Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland

Southern Rail says it has been forced to cancel some existing services and delay some trains due the unforeseen winter snow falling in the North of Scotland.

Ian Napton, a spokesperson for Southern Rail explained, “I know it seems unlikely, but the sudden and unexpected snow in the North of Scotland causes tremors in the rail network web, these ripples cast out like ripples in a pond, and eventually leading to disruption to train services in the far south of the country.” Continue reading “Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland”

Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos

The financial world was thrown into turmoil last night, after Gillian Napton accidently  booked The Board of Toshitone Industries into the assisted dying facility, Dignitas, by mistake.

Ms Napton was given the responsibility of booking the high powered executives, from one of the world’s largest companies, onto the World Economic Forum held annually at luxury Swiss Ski Resort of Davos.  Continue reading “Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos”

Dave Moses wins ‘Dad of The Year’ after babysitting his own kids

Glowing tributes poured in yesterday, for Dave Moses, after achieving the auspicious accolade of Dad of the Year, at the Dead Duck pub, New Morden.

With rose petals falling at his feet, Dave shared his inspirational experiences boasting, ‘‘At least once a month I babysit the kids, so my missus can do the weekly shop in peace.’’ He went on to say, ‘‘There’s nothing she loves more than, wandering the aisles, deciding what to cook for dinner.’Continue reading “Dave Moses wins ‘Dad of The Year’ after babysitting his own kids”

Donald Trump unexpectedly resigns after reading an abusive and critical tweet sent by Gav from Eastbourne

Startling world news today, when Donald Trump unexpectedly announced his immediate resignation, as President of The United States. World leaders were surprised and delighted at this sudden burst of good news. All tried to claim credit and confirmed they knew it was going to happen.

President Trump issued a statement explaining the reason for this sudden decision, “I’d just finished my McDonald’s and was having a quiet ten on the toilet, reading my twitter feed, when I saw a tweet, sent by Gav from Eastbourne. It called me a giant orange balloon and said I was doing a crap job. It then suggested I leave quickly and go and play golf.”

Continue reading “Donald Trump unexpectedly resigns after reading an abusive and critical tweet sent by Gav from Eastbourne”

Millennial expresses outrage on Instagram after being asked to take his bag off a seat on a busy train

Southern Rail commuters witnessed outrage this morning, when a millennial was asked to move their bag from the seat, on a packed train.

Although Joshua Woods was already sitting comfortably, Ian Napton inexcusably demanded that he ‘shifted’ the offending bag. Continue reading “Millennial expresses outrage on Instagram after being asked to take his bag off a seat on a busy train”

The winner of this years, Worst Celebrity Baby Name goes to Prestige Gazebos

Every year celebrities have competed in an annual competition to come up with the most outlandish name for their offspring. Moon Unit and Heavenly Hurani were notable examples of this worrying trend.

In recent years, with the growth of social media and the need to generate headlines, articles and controversial debate for the armies of talking heads, they’ve gone a bit overboard.

Notable celebrity baby names now include; Pirate, Rebel, Audio Science, Legume, Banjo, Moxie Crimefighter, Psychosis Smith, Apple, Pear, Star-Fruit, Pilot Inspector and IKhyd U Knot. Continue reading “The winner of this years, Worst Celebrity Baby Name goes to Prestige Gazebos”

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