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All the news from Monkey Island

All Social Media posts will have to be ‘Police Approved’

Approved for use on Social Media

As the right to be offended brigade swings into action the Government has announced that all Social Media posts require Police approval. The increasing number of people who have become upset after seeing something on the Internet has reached epidemic proportions.  

In order to meet the additional workload, The Police Service are diverting officers from proper police work, like catching; TV Licence dodgers, speeding footballers, Wetherspoon drinkers and the homeless. Now they will ensure that no-one is in the least bit offended by some asinine comment posted on social media.

go on, You know you want to!

After finding out his wedding day was ‘The Best Day of His Life’ Groom gives up

Is this as good as it gets?

After everyone told Ian Napton that his wedding day was ‘The Best Day of His Life’ he has taken the practical decision to respect their opinion and just give up.

“Look, everyone told me my wedding day was ‘The Best Day of My Life’, and yes, it was a good one. There’s no doubt about it, it was a corker. I realised that if that was as good as it gets then, what’s the point? I may as well not bother. So, I decided to crack open a beer, put my feet up and watch Netflix.”

Continue reading “After finding out his wedding day was ‘The Best Day of His Life’ Groom gives up”

As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!”

Bye Theresa, don't let the door hit you on the way out

The 67.3 million people who are not members of the Conservative Party have announced that  “it’s OK, Theresa can continue as Prime Minister, after all.”

The Tory Beauty Parade has turned out to be quite ugly, hasn’t it?” said Ian Napton, a commuter at Waterloo Station. “When the choice boils down to a bunch of drug users and c****, and all of them make you want to punch them in the face really hard, you suddenly start to see a positive side to Theresa May, don’t you?” Continue reading “As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!””

Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’

Stop making sh*t up

In a surprise twist, prospective Tory Leader, Ian Napton has admitted that the candidates are in the ‘making up any old sh*t’ phase of the campaign.

We’ve reached the stage where everyone has heard everything we have to say, so to keep the publicity band wagon rolling we have to make up evermore outrageous sh*t. We’ve always got to go one better than the last guy, that’s why we are now saying things like; I’ve taken blow, speed, cocaine, heroin, paracetamol and echinacea, one candidate even admitted drinking a G&T on the tube.Continue reading “Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’”

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