Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Mother’s Day is an hour shorter this year and mums aren’t happy about it

Mother's Day is an hour shorter this year and mums aren't happy

There have been calls for an inquiry as, this year, Mother’s Day marks the change to British Summer Time with the clocks springing forward, on 31 March 2019.

Whilst the clocks go forward on the last Sunday of March every year, this time the last Sunday of March coincides with Mothering Sunday. Continue reading “Mother’s Day is an hour shorter this year and mums aren’t happy about it”

A Birmingham School drops lessons in being nice to each other after a campaign by followers of archaic death cults

Kids being kids

After a successful campaign by local residents a school in Birmingham has succeeded in getting lessons in being nice to each other, removed from the curriculum. It turns out that the religiots are against it.

The controversy was about same sex relationships. Whilst the religiots were keen to stress they were not anti-homosexuality, they just didn’t want their children learning that it existed. Continue reading “A Birmingham School drops lessons in being nice to each other after a campaign by followers of archaic death cults”

As the Prime Minister fails Geography, we publish a handy study aid; Can you tell your Bath from your Salisbury?

Theresa May fails Geograph

It’s been a year since the Novichok attack on two Russians in the Wiltshire town of Salisbury. In a vain attempt to generate some favourable non-Brexit publicity, Theresa May decided to pay the poor residents of Salisbury a consoling visit.  

Unfortunately for the Gaffer-in-Chief, arrival photographs posted on Social Media, were pictures of Bath, some 40 miles away. It was almost as though the Prime Minister of The UK wasn’t uploading her own selfies, adding comments as she went along. Continue reading “As the Prime Minister fails Geography, we publish a handy study aid; Can you tell your Bath from your Salisbury?”

Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller

Fat contract added to The Fat Controller

Last week the Department of Transport publicly admitted they’d made a mess of post Brexit freight handling plans. Many were puzzled as to why the breakdown of the freight contract with a ferry company with no boats, should result in the need to pay £33 million to Eurotunnel, a train operator but hey! that’s politics for you.

Just when things couldn’t get any worse for Chris Grayling, Transport Secretary, it’s transpired that following an administrative mix up, the £33 million contract was given to Island of Sodoff Railways rather than Eurotunnel. Continue reading “Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller”

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