Terrorists think attacking Prince Andy will harm their reputation

Prince Andrew’s personal protection squad has been withdrawn after terrorists claim he’s too toxic to bother with.

The Security Services provides personal protection when members of the Royal Household are considered ‘at risk’ from terrorist groups, or unstable members of the public. If an attack emanates from within the Royal Family they are, traditionally, left to their own devices. 

Why does nobody love me anymore?

Jacob Rees-Mogg gets Hampshire for Xmas

In answer to the question: This Xmas, what do you get the man who has everything? The answer is, the county of Hampshire.

Lounge lizard reclines
Call me Jacob, the face of Pomposity

As his family sat around the dinner table, wondering what to get the Pater Familias for this Yuletide season, one of the younger members suggested giving him a county. 

It’s just what one always wanted