Three of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are in quarantine

Progress towards Armageddon is on hold according to a press statement issued by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The statement says that the Horsemen are locked down and can’t foresee a normal business being resumed until the COVID-19 pandemic is over.

Normal Service will be resumed when the current threat is over

Government to boost national mood with Meh! Britannia, Spitfire production and Jingoism

Meh! Britannia.

In a move to boost national morale, the UK Government is to introduce a “National Optimism Bill” implementing a number of motivational initiatives to “perk up” the beleaguered population, Meh! Britannia.

Inspired by Jacob Rees-Mogg playing “Rule Britannia” on his mobile phone, one initiative will see a “Mighty Wurlitzer” organ replacing the Speaker’s chair in the House of Commons; evoking the patriotism inherent in the Music Halls and Picture Houses of yesteryear. 

Notes from a small island

City reaps financial bonanza as pound plummets on No Deal

Champagne corks are popping in The City again as Brexit disaster looms larger and the pound plummets. 

It’s been a difficult year. I know chaps who have struggled to make £20 million, and even then, they’ve had to resort to shorting businesses which were on the brink of collapse because of the lockdown. But every cloud, and all that…”

Crispin Odious, Very Fat Cat
For I am a very fat cat indeed, said Mr Creosote

Lockdown reintroduced to prevent the return of doorstep clapping

Boris Johnson is reintroducing lockdown as the threat of a return to doorstep clapping increases.

Unless we abide by social distancing rules, we will find ourselves back on the doorstep, clapping for nurses and key workers. No one wants to go through that again, not with winter approaching.

Boris Johnson, noted clapper
That clapping really got out of hand