The Westminster Monkey House

Mr Braine resigns UKIP leadership despite having done nothing wrong

Richard Braine (UKIP) has resigned from his position as Party Leader, despite not having done anything wrong.

Remarkably, Mr Braine hadn’t slept with any of his younger members of staff, his mates’ wives or behaved inappropriately with a model, rent boy or Jeanette Krankie. Financially, he hadn’t failed to declare; income, connections to dodgy businessmen, unsolicited cash payments nor had he embezzled expenses. Surprisingly, he hadn’t lied, cheated or said anything that was remotely homophobic, racist or misogynistic.

Politician has an exemplary record, quits saying “I’m not cut out for politics”

UK in Chaos As Sky News Desk Furniture And General Election Hopeful Incites “Chairmageddon”

There has been mass panic in the UK following the D.F.S. Sale finally ending due to all its furniture deciding to embark on political careers.

Speaking to D.F.S. CEO Andrew Futon, he explained, “We never realised that our furniture would walk out on us… usually we’d have to transport them in a van.”

Vote Chair you know it makes sense

Pupin wins Puppeteer of the Year with his show ‘The Puppet States’

The International Order of Puppeteers has chosen this year’s winner of Puppeteer of the Year recipient, sock puppet master Vladislav Pupin.

News of Pupin’s win broke last night, after winning the award with a first-ever unanimous vote by IOP judges. “This big win is not surprising,” according to puppet show critic, Manolo CalcetÍn. “Pupin’s ability to manipulate multiple puppets while keeping his audiences mesmerized is ‘unmatched’ in the world today.” 

Of course you’re a real boy….tovarich