The Westminster Monkey House

Corbyn shits and gets off the pot but not in that order

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hit back at critics by saying he’s quite capable of hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo, thank you very much.

“Let me be clear,” he told reporters. “I could shoot fish in a barrel if I wanted to, but I’m opposed to animal cruelty. I could steal candy from a baby but I’m very concerned about child welfare. If I wanted to fall off a log, I would first ensure that adequate health and safety procedures were in place.

Heads or tails? I don’t believe in binary constructs, I call sides

Leaked memo reveals the truth behind some of Boris Johnson’s lies

Following last week’s announcement that UK Prime Minister and extreme sports model Boris Johnson is being admitted to a top London-based clinic for liars, an inside source has leaked some of The Institute For Chronic Fibsters’ findings.

The shocking list reveals some of the many delusions that Mr Johnson is currently being treated for; including misleading the nation, thinking he’s Freddie Mercury and claiming that he never actually asks for that haircut.

Liar, liar, pants on Fire!

Veteran Supreme Court Judge Rules Boris Johnson Is “A Bit Of A Pr*ck”

Speaking to The Sun “newspaper”, Lady Glenda Shale, veteran Supreme Court judge and amateur spider enthusiast was quoted as stating, “a filthy, biased, and extremely accurate tirade” about Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

During her address during the busy trial, Lady Shale became “lost” in her fisherman’s style rant about the PM where she ruled that he is “political turpentine” and “impossibly f*cking dense.” This theme was continued when Lady Shale called Mr Johnson out for his hair, face, dress sense, weird shifty eyes, and his politics.

the man is an insufferable clown!

Parliament’s Kitchen accidentally used cocaine in the Spotted Dick

Members of the House of Commons have attracted severe criticism for their behaviour during the debate, following the ruling over the Government’s illegal use of its’ prerogative power.  

This led to a vitriolic debate, that lacked for sense, decency and basic respect. Concerned that even for this august institution the behaviour went too far, the Speaker ordered an investigation.

Raising agent, i’ll say, i’m as high as a kite!

Boris Johnson offers Geoffrey Cox use of his personal apology template

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology after getting caught again.

Regretfully, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a very naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ The Standards Committee/my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends’ spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

Phew! That was close!