University Challenge has declared ‘Jeremy Corbyn’ as ineligible as an answer to any legitimate question, arsey host Jeremy Paxman has declared.

“Nothing has stumped us in almost sixty years, but this time we’ve met our match,” Paxman said. “You’d have thought it was easy, what with the country being run by a sock puppet with Dominic ‘Lurch’ Cummings’ hand up his arse. But even the question ‘Is Corbyn better than Johnson?’ proved unanswerable – a bit like deciding which Strictly competitor you hate the most.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hit back at critics by saying he’s quite capable of hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo, thank you very much.

“Let me be clear,” he told reporters. “I could shoot fish in a barrel if I wanted to, but I’m opposed to animal cruelty. I could steal candy from a baby but I’m very concerned about child welfare. If I wanted to fall off a log, I would first ensure that adequate health and safety procedures were in place.“