The Westminster Monkey House

University Challenge rules out ‘Corbyn’ as answer to anything

University Challenge has declared ‘Jeremy Corbyn’ as ineligible as an answer to any legitimate question, arsey host Jeremy Paxman has declared.

“Nothing has stumped us in almost sixty years, but this time we’ve met our match,” Paxman said. “You’d have thought it was easy, what with the country being run by a sock puppet with Dominic ‘Lurch’ Cummings’ hand up his arse. But even the question ‘Is Corbyn better than Johnson?’ proved unanswerable – a bit like deciding which Strictly competitor you hate the most.”

Here is your starter for 10, WTF?

List of Things Jeremy Corbyn Does and Doesn’t Give A F*ck About

A recent survey by the University of Having Too Much Free Time has listed what Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn Gives A F*ck About and Doesn’t Give A F*ck About.

Dr Peter Ribbler of the University’s Procrastination Department finally compiled the list on Tuesday and says about it, “We’re quite proud of compiling this list for absolutely no reason. It gives us a great insight into what Mr Corbyn could and couldn’t care less about. For anyone who does care, of course.”

We’ll keep the red flag flying high!

Jo Cox is ‘cool’ with Boris Johnson’s banter, says medium

Murdered Labour MP Jo Cox is fine with Boris Johnson’s claim that the best way to honour her memory would be to “get on and deliver Brexit,” a spiritual medium has said.  

“Granted, Jo was a staunch remainer when she was alive, but the afterlife has changed all that and now there’s nothing she wants more than to see Britain dragged out of the EU by a grotesque egomaniac who thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk,” spiritualist Penelope Hurst said. 

Is there anybody there?

Boris unveils plans to rub out the word ‘Backstop’ from the Withdrawal Act

Today, at the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson unveiled his big Brexit busting plan.

In short, Boris has pledged to get a big rubber and erase the word ‘Backstop’ from Theresa May’s Withdrawl Agreement. Everything else stays the same.

Today, in ‘not a Scooby’ news, this!

Corbyn shits and gets off the pot but not in that order

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hit back at critics by saying he’s quite capable of hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo, thank you very much.

“Let me be clear,” he told reporters. “I could shoot fish in a barrel if I wanted to, but I’m opposed to animal cruelty. I could steal candy from a baby but I’m very concerned about child welfare. If I wanted to fall off a log, I would first ensure that adequate health and safety procedures were in place.

Heads or tails? I don’t believe in binary constructs, I call sides