Science

God, the Big G, the Lad Himself, has decided to self-isolate

He has been a little under the weather lately. Concerns about his health surfaced when he noted his ambrosia tasted a little off. Feeling shivery with a dry cough and his sense of taste and smell is absent, Dr McCoy, G’s personal physician, has confined Our Lord to quarters, for the next two weeks.

God’s just being careful
While God’s away, prayers will be unanswered, keys unfound and orgasms unsatisfied

Corona Virus outbreak means we can all stop hugging each other

Millions of Brits are secretly relieved that the outbreak of the Corona Virus means they can stop hugging people they barely know.

For the last twenty years the British people have been sharing a series of ever more complex bear hugs. This unnatural invasion of personal space has left millions of people feeling, dirty, confused and exceedingly uncomfortable.

Just a simple doff of the cap is all you need

Gloop launches new Vampire Repellent spray

The hard-working pseudo-scientists at Gwyneth Paltrow’s health and lifestyle foundation have developed an anti-vampire agent.

Nope, no vampires here

“It was a serendipitous discovery, we were looking at creating a new vaginal douche and had been experimenting with scents based on the odours of celebrities, Gwyneth, Jim Davidson and Piers Morgan as examples.

It must work, have you seen a vampire?

Met Office to reboot Stonehenge as part of IT upgrade

Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective method for mis-predicting the weather. An initial quote of £1.2B for a new supercomputer was discounted as too expensive. One novel approach was to reboot Stonehenge.

The stone is wet, it must be raining!