Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson’s apology template used again

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology after getting caught lying again.

Unfortunately, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a very naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

Lounge lizard reclines

Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the face of lounge furniture

A bespoke armchair and chaise-longue manufacturer have chosen Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg to be the brand ambassador and new face of their company: PomPosity.

Mr Rees-Mogg shall appear in a series of televisual adverts for the company, and will ‘pose in a variety of positions’, showing off the range of products PomPosity have to offer.

Plans underway to find a suitable ditch for Boris Johnson

Planning is underway to honour Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s wish to be “dead in a ditch” in the event that the UK does not leave the European Union on 31 October.

“Any responsible government plans for each possible outcome. That’s why we planned for a No Deal Brexit, although, on reflection, maybe somebody other than Michael Gove could have been involved in that,” said a spokesman for Number 10.

Jo Johnson has resigned the Johnson family whip

In what’s thought to be the first move of its kind, Jo Johnson told us, “I no longer find it conscionable to be the brother of Boris Johnson, and with regret, I have resigned from the position. I shall continue in my role as brother to Rachel.”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister insisted that personal matters do not impact on the running of the government and that his multiple marital infidelities, careless accounting and inability to disclose all relevant interests to the proper authorities did not make him unfit for office.