The Westminster Monkey House

Jeremy Corbyn promises free kittens and puppies for everyone

If Labour wins the next election, Jeremy Corbyn has promised an increase in national happiness by giving a free puppy or kitten to every household in Britain.

In what is being hailed as a revolutionary new policy, Mr Corbyn aims to make Britain forget about its troubles and woes through the use of cute furry animals. Within 3 months of winning, every household will receive their new pet. Acceptance is mandatory.

Now Mr Tibbles, stop that!

Boris Johnson To Outlaw Furniture Following Popular Sky News Chair’s General Election Run

Following yesterday’s story of Alan Whickham-Smythe – Sky News Studio swivel chair and close personal friend of Kay Burley’s campaign to win the General Election, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced his decision to abolish chairs.

When asked if this decision was based on the chair being a more popular candidate for next PM and his biggest political rival, Mr Johnson replied, “Of course not, no. The decision to ban chairs from Britain has been a key policy of the Conservative Party for a couple of weeks, now. We feel that Britain is getting lazy and sitting around too much, waiting for us to get our fingers out and do our jobs, so away with chairs! Let’s all stand on two legs together.”

tOUGH ON FURNITURE, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF FURNITURE!

The Conservative Party Apology Template (GE19 Edition)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make another public apology.

Unfortunately, they’ve made me make an unreserved apology to all those people that are not supporters of the Tory Party. It seems they are easily offended, I don’t know why, it was just a bit of bants.

But I didn’t mean it (Fingers Crossed)

“Sorry, forget my own head next” says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Advance briefing is everything for politicians dashing from one interview to the next in the run-up to an election, and Jacob Rees-Mogg understands that better than most.

Rushing into one radio interview, he was armed only with the rationale that leaving is common sense and that people should ignore advice to remain. All good and all on-message so far. The tired old Leave vs Remain argument. An easy interview to head into.

I’m a silly old nuggins says JRM