The Westminster Monkey House

UK in Chaos As Sky News Desk Furniture And General Election Hopeful Incites “Chairmageddon”

There has been mass panic in the UK following the D.F.S. Sale finally ending due to all its furniture deciding to embark on political careers.

Speaking to D.F.S. CEO Andrew Futon, he explained, “We never realised that our furniture would walk out on us… usually we’d have to transport them in a van.”

Vote Chair you know it makes sense

Pupin wins Puppeteer of the Year with his show ‘The Puppet States’

The International Order of Puppeteers has chosen this year’s winner of Puppeteer of the Year recipient, sock puppet master Vladislav Pupin.

News of Pupin’s win broke last night, after winning the award with a first-ever unanimous vote by IOP judges. “This big win is not surprising,” according to puppet show critic, Manolo CalcetÍn. “Pupin’s ability to manipulate multiple puppets while keeping his audiences mesmerized is ‘unmatched’ in the world today.” 

Of course you’re a real boy….tovarich

Jeremy Corbyn promises free kittens and puppies for everyone

If Labour wins the next election, Jeremy Corbyn has promised an increase in national happiness by giving a free puppy or kitten to every household in Britain.

In what is being hailed as a revolutionary new policy, Mr Corbyn aims to make Britain forget about its troubles and woes through the use of cute furry animals. Within 3 months of winning, every household will receive their new pet. Acceptance is mandatory.

Now Mr Tibbles, stop that!

Boris Johnson To Outlaw Furniture Following Popular Sky News Chair’s General Election Run

Following yesterday’s story of Alan Whickham-Smythe – Sky News Studio swivel chair and close personal friend of Kay Burley’s campaign to win the General Election, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced his decision to abolish chairs.

When asked if this decision was based on the chair being a more popular candidate for next PM and his biggest political rival, Mr Johnson replied, “Of course not, no. The decision to ban chairs from Britain has been a key policy of the Conservative Party for a couple of weeks, now. We feel that Britain is getting lazy and sitting around too much, waiting for us to get our fingers out and do our jobs, so away with chairs! Let’s all stand on two legs together.”

tOUGH ON FURNITURE, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF FURNITURE!