The Westminster Monkey House

List of Things Jeremy Corbyn Does and Doesn’t Give A F*ck About

A recent survey by the University of Having Too Much Free Time has listed what Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn Gives A F*ck About and Doesn’t Give A F*ck About.

Dr Peter Ribbler of the University’s Procrastination Department finally compiled the list on Tuesday and says about it, “We’re quite proud of compiling this list for absolutely no reason. It gives us a great insight into what Mr Corbyn could and couldn’t care less about. For anyone who does care, of course.”

We’ll keep the red flag flying high!

Jo Cox is ‘cool’ with Boris Johnson’s banter, says medium

Murdered Labour MP Jo Cox is fine with Boris Johnson’s claim that the best way to honour her memory would be to “get on and deliver Brexit,” a spiritual medium has said.  

“Granted, Jo was a staunch remainer when she was alive, but the afterlife has changed all that and now there’s nothing she wants more than to see Britain dragged out of the EU by a grotesque egomaniac who thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk,” spiritualist Penelope Hurst said. 

Is there anybody there?

Boris unveils plans to rub out the word ‘Backstop’ from the Withdrawal Act

Today, at the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson unveiled his big Brexit busting plan.

In short, Boris has pledged to get a big rubber and erase the word ‘Backstop’ from Theresa May’s Withdrawl Agreement. Everything else stays the same.

Today, in ‘not a Scooby’ news, this!

Corbyn shits and gets off the pot but not in that order

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hit back at critics by saying he’s quite capable of hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo, thank you very much.

“Let me be clear,” he told reporters. “I could shoot fish in a barrel if I wanted to, but I’m opposed to animal cruelty. I could steal candy from a baby but I’m very concerned about child welfare. If I wanted to fall off a log, I would first ensure that adequate health and safety procedures were in place.

Heads or tails? I don’t believe in binary constructs, I call sides

Leaked memo reveals the truth behind some of Boris Johnson’s lies

Following last week’s announcement that UK Prime Minister and extreme sports model Boris Johnson is being admitted to a top London-based clinic for liars, an inside source has leaked some of The Institute For Chronic Fibsters’ findings.

The shocking list reveals some of the many delusions that Mr Johnson is currently being treated for; including misleading the nation, thinking he’s Freddie Mercury and claiming that he never actually asks for that haircut.

Liar, liar, pants on Fire!