The Westminster Monkey House

“I’d have gotten away with it were it not for those pesky kids!” cries Boris

Circus and funhouse manager Bozo Johnson claims he would have gotten away with his dastardly plan if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids.

We had it all sorted, I’d pretended to be a ghost and made the sweet old lady think that she was helping by giving me the keys to the castle. Jacob and the rest of my gang scared everyone out of the House of Horrors. Our plan had worked perfectly, we were all set to clean up and no one knew a thing, then along came those pesky kids.”

I’ll Get you!

Jeremy Corbyn Prorogue’s Labour Party Conference

After yet another dissenting vote led to acrimony and in-fighting, Jeremy Corbyn was fed up and pissed off with his troublesome delegates. Drawing inspiration from Boris Johnson, Jeremy decided to abandon any notion of democracy and prorogue the Labour Party Conference.

A supporter declared it as a stroke of political genius. “Once again Jeremy has stuck by his core principle of avoiding difficult decisions.”  

Go on you lot, bugger off!

Former NASA Astronaut Boris Johnson Claims He’s Not A Liar

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been accused of lying yet again. The thirty-two year old was overheard last night at the Chancellor’s Ball claiming “Of course I lift, bro – do you?

Following his successful defeat of the Nazis during WWII and that time when he prevented the heat-death of the known universe, Mr Johnson has his sights set on overcoming another dangerous and power-hungry obstacle – himself.

It means whatever I say it means

Boris Johnson’s apology template used again

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology after getting caught lying again.

Unfortunately, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a very naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

Be I ever so humble!

Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the face of lounge furniture

A bespoke armchair and chaise-longue manufacturer have chosen Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg to be the brand ambassador and new face of their company: PomPosity.

Mr Rees-Mogg shall appear in a series of televisual adverts for the company, and will ‘pose in a variety of positions’, showing off the range of products PomPosity have to offer.

What! What!