Football

Quarantined footballer discovers a book

During the Corona Virus lockdown, many people have become bored watching TV, Netflix and endless YouTube videos. By happenchance, Manchester United’s star striker, Ian Napton, has discovered a book.

The incident occurred when his Chiropodist came around to pamper his tootsies. As she set up her oils and unguents, she took the book from her bag and placed it to one side.

But what happens next?

Corona Virus upgraded to ‘kin serious now that a football match has been moved

Britain has admitted that the Coronavirus outbreak is really serious now that a football match has been cancelled. Manchester City will now play Arsenal at a later, less diseased, time.

Until now, with so few people actually dead in Britain, Coronavirus has merely been a tremendous excuse not to go to work, but the rearrangement of a Premiership match has shifted the public compass.

Of course it’s serious, we’ve had to delay kick off!

Spurs to play all their games behind closed doors

Officials at the club took the decision came following their game against RB Leipzig, which ended in a humiliating 0-3 defeat, and exit from The Champions League.

The club said that following recent results, and the managers style of play, it was only fair to protect the fans from having to watch the team.

It was the kindest thing we could do

Everton announce ‘Stone Cold’ Steve as their new manager

Everton FC, after days of speculation, finally dumped Marco Silva this week following a humbling 5-2 loss in the Merseyside Derby.

Just forty-eight hours later, the club has announced his replacement, the result of an ‘exhaustive’ search (aka, ringing up Rafa Benitez and being told to piss off).

Look, stop coparing us to Liverpool, we are just not that good!