Handball

Football’s Ian Holloway looks Forward to Post-Brexit Utopia

An interesting appearance from the mystifyingly unemployed soccer supremo, Ian Holloway, on Sky Sports’ flagship nonsense shouting enterprise ‘the Debate’ (which as much follows the rules of a normal debate as two pissed up Doncaster Rovers fans screaming insults at each other in the door to a pub on Saturday night) shed new light on the rumbling Brexit fiasco after Holloway gave the EU credit for making a right mess of the handball rules in football.

ECB to revitalise cricket with the introduction of the One Ball Game

In a desperate bid to attract a new cricket audience the ECB have announced plans to reduce matches to one ball per team.

Ian Napton-Smythe, DfS, GChQ, FghI and ECB Chair, explained his thinking.

“Everyone loves a day at the cricket. Typically one starts the day with a hearty Full English before heading off to the ground for kick off at 11.00 am. Then it’s out with the beer, G&T, or whatever takes your fancy. Nothing is really happening in the game at this point, so it’s an early opportunity to get those alcohol levels up nice and high. Before you know it, it’s time for lunch in the restaurant or maybe a picnic, all washed down with a couple of bottles of claret. Then back to the seat and nice afternoon doze until tea.”

Man City win again

Following Game One, Man City are awarded the Premier League Title

Following their 5-0 win at West Ham on the opening day of the new football season, Manchester City have been crowned 2019/20 Champions.

“There’s no point in calling it a competition,” a spokesman for the FA told us. “We don’t see the point in putting everyone through the charade of another 37 games before presenting the trophy. They can have it now.”

New Book reveals the ‘Secrets of The Transfer Market’

A new book, set to be published this week, entitled ‘Secrets of the Transfer Market’ is set to blow the lid open on what have previously been closely guarded secrets within the football world.

The book’s author, Dennis Thummanis, was able to give us an exclusive look at just a few of the startling revelations made in the extraordinary volume.

Scientists begin search for Australia’s missing backbone

Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.

Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.

This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.