Monkey Games

Monkeys like sports.

Armitage Shanks signs for Manchester United

Man Utd fans around the globe were thrilled this week to learn of the club’s latest acquisition, announced with a glitzy social media post, as the club revealed a stunning coup as they made Armitage Shanks their official urinal partner for 2019-20.

Fanzine writer, Fergus McGiggs, gave his thoughts, “This is wonderful news. For years the club has laboured along with sub-par bathroom supply partners, this signing announces our return to football’s top table. Our fans can’t wait to get into Old Trafford to try out the new facilities.”

More piss taking here!

Scientists begin search for Australia’s missing backbone

Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.

Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.

This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.

Are you England in disguise?

Brexit Party storms to victory in the latest round of Statues

Embed from Getty Images

Brexit Party caused up an upset in the adult round of the children’s game of Statues.

Held in Strasbourg, the latest round featured teams from all over Europe. The Germans were heavy favourites to win, although their recent form has been a little shaky.

The plucky Brexit Party signalled their intent when they entered the arena, holding hands. Initially, this seemed to be a demonstration of solidarity, although it turned out that it was to stop several of the squad wandering off in a demented haze.

More on this National Embarrassment

Everyone deserves a fourth chance says Mo Salah

What did I do?

Man of the people and friend to all women, Mohammed Salah, has this weekend enhanced his reputation as a staunch feminist with his powerful and moving defence of Egyptian team-mate Warda who was sent home from the African Cup of Nations for sexually harrassing women online.

Salah, who has often been viewed as progressive on the issue of women’s rights, used Twitter to leap to his comrades’ defence, saying “We need to believe in second chances… we need to guide and educate. Shunning is not the answer.”

Redemption

Mike Ashley lays out his plans for Newcastle Direct

Newcastle united

Business magnate and inflatable sports icon Mike Ashley has today come out with a press conference to unveil his bold new plan to put Newcastle United FC back where they belong in the wake of the departure of the heroically over-qualified Rafa Benitez.

Grilled over the decision to let Rafa go, Ashley defended the move; “Do you know how much Benitez cost us each season? Millions! I’ve done my research and looking at the other managers in and around Newcastle, they don’t earn nearly as much. I asked the manager in my local Greggs and he was saying he earns only a fraction of what Rafa was costing us!”

Giant Mug sALE nOW oN

Carabao Cup draw takes place in the Morrisons soft drinks aisle

Carabao Cup Drawn in Morrisons

A controversial venue choice has led to bitter outrage and furious condemnation for the organisers of the Rumbelows Coca-Cola Littlewoods Challenge Over-sugared Carabao Soft Drink Championship. The draw for Round 1 of the trophy (which led to such mouth-watering pairings as Grimsby v Doncaster and Blackpool v Macclesfield) took place in the Colindale branch of Morrison’s on Thursday evening.

and next out Accrington Stanley
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