The big managerial news this week was the arrival of former Sheffield Wednesday boss Stevie Bruce at Newcastle, though his appointment was not without controversy as the tabloids broke the news that Stevie was not actually Mike ‘Power Drinker’ Ashley’s first choice for the job.
“Of course” said Mike, as he vomited in a fire place and ordered another half pound of pork scratchings down his local boozer, “We went through a few names. I met a bloke in here called Rodney the other day, reckoned he might be able to do us a job, but he’s banged up for parole violation so it looks like one we’ll have to revisit later.”
Man Utd fans around the globe were thrilled this week to
learn of the club’s latest acquisition, announced with a glitzy social media
post, as the club revealed a stunning coup as they made Armitage Shanks their
official urinal partner for 2019-20.
Fanzine writer, Fergus McGiggs, gave his thoughts, “This is wonderful news. For years the club has laboured along with sub-par bathroom supply partners, this signing announces our return to football’s top table. Our fans can’t wait to get into Old Trafford to try out the new facilities.”
More piss taking here!
Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.
Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their
backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence
was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for
example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.
This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.
Are you England in disguise?
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Brexit Party caused up an upset in the adult round of the children’s game of Statues.
Held in Strasbourg, the latest round featured teams from all over Europe. The Germans were heavy favourites to win, although their recent form has been a little shaky.
The plucky Brexit Party signalled their intent when they entered the arena, holding hands. Initially, this seemed to be a demonstration of solidarity, although it turned out that it was to stop several of the squad wandering off in a demented haze.
More on this National Embarrassment
Man of the people and friend to all women, Mohammed Salah, has this weekend enhanced his reputation as a staunch feminist with his powerful and moving defence of Egyptian team-mate Warda who was sent home from the African Cup of Nations for sexually harrassing women online.
Salah, who has often been viewed as progressive on the issue of women’s rights, used Twitter to leap to his comrades’ defence, saying “We need to believe in second chances… we need to guide and educate. Shunning is not the answer.”