Hippie family

Woke parents disappointed following cancellation of the non-gendered carers Ovoid and Spoon race at non-competitive sports day

A controversial decision, relating to a school summer sports day, has vexed an enlightened  vegan couple.

Having successfully won their campaign to ban competitive children’s events, Olivia and Leaf Napton were outraged to discover the annual non-gendered Ovoid and Spoon race had been cancelled too.

Got ya, you bastard

Controversy as ex-state school pupil joins England Cricket as Waterboy

Cricket, often considered an elitist sport has now become so diversified that a former state school pupil has joined the national team, albeit as Waterboy.

In order to broaden the games appeal, the ECB have allowed a non-Public School boy to become associated with the team. The appointment of Ian Napton, formerly of Knappers Comprehensive, Birmingham, marks a significant attitudinal change within the cricket establishment.

Old Golfers

Grandad moves golf club after finding out his mates are Facebook racists

Golfer, Ian Napton, has moved from his local club since discovering his playing partners are Facebook racists.

The trouble started when his grandchildren persuaded him to join Facebook. It was all very exciting, his golf mates were regular users and they were soon following each other. They shared jokes, news and posts.

Footballer appearing to summon a waiter

Footballer who has never seen Fawlty Towers escapes punishment

A Social Media storm erupted after it emerged that a Professional Footballer did not know what ‘Fawlty Towers’ was. The incident happened when the Crystal Palace goalkeeper inadvertently mocked Basil Fawlty, the hapless hero of the cult TV series, Fawlty Towers.

The matter has been referred to the Football Association disciplinary panel.

European Championships Wall Chart

Euro 2020 allows useless teams in but there’s still no room for Scotland

In the wake of hugely productive talks over the creation of an unfathomably brilliant 48-team World Cup, allowing space for sporting giants such as Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Bhutan, plans are afoot for a further expansion of the European Championships.

UEFA press guru, Dr Darren Devine, was on hand to unveil the scheme; “In 2016 we took a crucial step forward, moving from 16 to 24 teams. It’s only logical now that we move to the next stage in our evolution – 54 teams.”