Monkey Games

Monkeys like sports.

Tony Adams to bring his experience of being tall to Rugby League

The sport of Rugby League faces an exciting new dawn with the arrival of a fresh face in the much-vaunted Presidential throne, none other than footballing genius and waistcoat innovator, Tony Adams.

Some may be sceptical over Adams’s knowledge and understanding of the sport, but Tony is quick to put such claims to bed; “I understand they use their hands and throw the ball around, which will take some getting used to as in football this is not often the done thing. I’ve also noticed that Rugby League players seem to be fucking huge, which is another difference that I have identified.”

A Gary Owen

Steve Bruce the only bloke Mike Ashley could get to do the job

The big managerial news this week was the arrival of former Sheffield Wednesday boss Stevie Bruce at Newcastle, though his appointment was not without controversy as the tabloids broke the news that Stevie was not actually Mike ‘Power Drinker’ Ashley’s first choice for the job.

Of course” said Mike, as he vomited in a fire place and ordered another half pound of pork scratchings down his local boozer, “We went through a few names. I met a bloke in here called Rodney the other day, reckoned he might be able to do us a job, but he’s banged up for parole violation so it looks like one we’ll have to revisit later.”

Your Round!

Armitage Shanks signs for Manchester United

Man Utd fans around the globe were thrilled this week to learn of the club’s latest acquisition, announced with a glitzy social media post, as the club revealed a stunning coup as they made Armitage Shanks their official urinal partner for 2019-20.

Fanzine writer, Fergus McGiggs, gave his thoughts, “This is wonderful news. For years the club has laboured along with sub-par bathroom supply partners, this signing announces our return to football’s top table. Our fans can’t wait to get into Old Trafford to try out the new facilities.”

More piss taking here!

Scientists begin search for Australia’s missing backbone

Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.

Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.

This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.

Are you England in disguise?

Brexit Party storms to victory in the latest round of Statues

Embed from Getty Images

Brexit Party caused up an upset in the adult round of the children’s game of Statues.

Held in Strasbourg, the latest round featured teams from all over Europe. The Germans were heavy favourites to win, although their recent form has been a little shaky.

The plucky Brexit Party signalled their intent when they entered the arena, holding hands. Initially, this seemed to be a demonstration of solidarity, although it turned out that it was to stop several of the squad wandering off in a demented haze.

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