Monkey Games

Monkeys like sports.

Everyone deserves a fourth chance says Mo Salah

Man of the people and friend to all women, Mohammed Salah, has this weekend enhanced his reputation as a staunch feminist with his powerful and moving defence of Egyptian team-mate Warda who was sent home from the African Cup of Nations for sexually harrassing women online.

Salah, who has often been viewed as progressive on the issue of women’s rights, used Twitter to leap to his comrades’ defence, saying “We need to believe in second chances… we need to guide and educate. Shunning is not the answer.”

Redemption

Mike Ashley lays out his plans for Newcastle Direct

Business magnate and inflatable sports icon Mike Ashley has today come out with a press conference to unveil his bold new plan to put Newcastle United FC back where they belong in the wake of the departure of the heroically over-qualified Rafa Benitez.

Grilled over the decision to let Rafa go, Ashley defended the move; “Do you know how much Benitez cost us each season? Millions! I’ve done my research and looking at the other managers in and around Newcastle, they don’t earn nearly as much. I asked the manager in my local Greggs and he was saying he earns only a fraction of what Rafa was costing us!”

Giant Mug sALE nOW oN

Carabao Cup draw takes place in the Morrisons soft drinks aisle

A controversial venue choice has led to bitter outrage and furious condemnation for the organisers of the Rumbelows Coca-Cola Littlewoods Challenge Over-sugared Carabao Soft Drink Championship. The draw for Round 1 of the trophy (which led to such mouth-watering pairings as Grimsby v Doncaster and Blackpool v Macclesfield) took place in the Colindale branch of Morrison’s on Thursday evening.

and next out Accrington Stanley

British Tennis officially graded as ‘shite again’

Thanks to Johanna Konta’s run to the semi-finals of the French Open tennis championships in Paris this week, Britain’s standing in the Ladies’ World Ranking has raced back up to 159th place, just behind Tahiti.

Sue Barker said, “Johanna did amazingly well, losing only to a 19 year old who’d never reached a semi-final before. If she hadn’t done so well, we might have dropped out of the top 200.” Continue reading “British Tennis officially graded as ‘shite again’”

Champions League Final nearly as exciting as Bolton v Tadcaster in 1999

It may be a contentious assertion, but several media personalities have stepped forward already to dub Liverpool’s nail-biting 2-0 triumph over Spurs (yes, those guys) in the Champions League Final (no, really, the Champions League Final) the greatest final in the history of the competition.

One popular Welsh pundit, Mr T. Pulis, gave his views, “It was remarkable, Liverpool had a pass completion rate after half time of 59%, even at my peak with Stoke, playing a midfield of Rory Delap and a bit of scaffolding, we could barely get it below 60, amazing stuff.” Continue reading “Champions League Final nearly as exciting as Bolton v Tadcaster in 1999”