Man filling his car

Driver accused of killing the planet by having a full tank of petrol

Environmentalists have criticised a driver for topping his petrol tank up at the supermarket after he had done the weekly shop.

Ian Napton, a Social Worker, told us. “I was on my way out of Morrisons and thought I’d fill up the Fiesta as petrol tends to be a bit cheaper there than at my nearest garage. We’re off to see my family tomorrow and they’re 150 miles away. But when I headed to the shop to pay, a bunch of protesters with placards blocked my way and told me I was killing Polar Bears as I could have filled up tomorrow en route and now my car would emit more carbon monoxides due to being heavier with a full tank.”

Flooding in the north

Boris sends his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire

Boris Johnson has sent his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire deal with their damp problem. Accused by his political opponents of doing more to help flood victims in Bangladesh than helping the people of South Yorkshire, immediate action was required.

Following today’s Cobra meeting the cabinet debated which Government Emergency Response would play best with Tory Voters. As Jacob Rees-Mogg said “Well as far as I can see it was entirely their own fault for living in Northern Labour constituencies. Some people are too stupid for their own good, if they had used their common-sense they would have left in their boats. If they can’t even help themselves, what’s the point of us trying to help? There’s no upside to throwing way money.”

Jeff Lynne playing guitar

ELO’s Jeff Lynne Is Excited To Be Returning To His Alien Homeworld

ELO frontman and Intergalactic high-priest Jeff Lynne has revealed that sales from his new album, From Out Of Nowhere, will help to fund him rebuilding his spaceship.

“I’ve had it out the back garden since the seventies and I’ve tried calling the AA a couple of times but they’re not interested cos it’s not got wheels,” Mr Lynne told us. “So, now I just keep it outside and store my bikes and patio furniture in it, unless of course we’re using it for album artwork.”

Vote Chair

Boris Johnson To Outlaw Furniture Following Popular Sky News Chair’s General Election Run

Following yesterday’s story of Alan Whickham-Smythe – Sky News Studio swivel chair and close personal friend of Kay Burley’s campaign to win the General Election, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced his decision to abolish chairs.

When asked if this decision was based on the chair being a more popular candidate for next PM and his biggest political rival, Mr Johnson replied, “Of course not, no. The decision to ban chairs from Britain has been a key policy of the Conservative Party for a couple of weeks, now. We feel that Britain is getting lazy and sitting around too much, waiting for us to get our fingers out and do our jobs, so away with chairs! Let’s all stand on two legs together.”

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