Tart with a Cart, Molly Malone, accuses Trump of cancelling his trip to Ireland to avoid taking responsibility for their illegitimate son, Ed Sheeran

White House spokesperson, Sarah Wannabe-Elsewhere, announced the cancellation of Donald Trump’s State Visit to Ireland. The reason for the cancellation was not clear, leading to speculation it was to avoid further embarrassment to America by their President.

Die you bitch, for f***s sake die

A man from Dorset stood accused, by former friends, of having seriously impaired moral judgement. Colin Adams (52) confessed, that since he was divorced over a decade ago, he has maintained a joint life assurance policy which would pay out £500,000 in the event his diabetic alcoholic ex-wife did the decent thing and popped her clogs before the policy expires next year.

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (insert location)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he?

Heads to roll at Amazon after receiving a £1.7 mill tax bill

Heads are expected to roll at the UK division of Amazon after an undetected internal accounting error meant that the company has become liable for UK Corporation Tax of £1.7m.

The company, which would have beaten Apple to the crown of “first $1trn company” nine years ago if it hadn’t been for its merciless tax mitigation department, is still ranked less profitable in the UK than Toys R Us, Maplin and Aunt Emily’s Corner Shop in Devizes.