Catholic Church’s secret plan to Exorcise Donald Trump

The Catholic Church have incontrovertible proof that Donald Trump has been demonically possessed by  the spirit of Malthus, an ancient chaos demon cast out by God to corrupt souls and wreak havoc.

Vatican investigators identified possession when Donald Trump significantly failed to grasp reality and tried to bend the world to his own understanding, spoke in tongues and displayed an insatiable and depraved lust, this combined with the impending nuclear Armageddon confirmed his demonic possession.

Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids

The Government’s austerity measures mean cash strapped pensioners have turned to drug dealing to supplement their dwindling incomes and to allow them to buy essentials, such as; scones, cake, liniment and Werther’s Originals.

In increasing numbers, The Grey Mafia (AKA The Grafia or The Cosy Nostrum) have moved into the illegal drugs market. Ironically, showing the entrepreneurial spirit,  of which the Conservatives, are so proud.

British Company wins contract to supply wood, hammer and nails for Saudi Arabian Crucifixions

The Department for Trade and Industry have announced a potentially lucrative, post-brexit, trade deal with Saudi Arabia. DTI officials triumphantly announced the multi-pound deal will open up the lucrative Saudi Arabian weapons and torture market to British companies.

Support group helps men transition to 38” waistband

A new self-help group has been set up to help middle aged men through the trauma of admitting they have outgrown their trousers.

38 & Proud provides a safe haven for those who struggle from Belly Blindness, a disease of the ego which convinces the sufferer that their stomach is the same size as it was at school.

M&S shares rise sharply as middle-aged man goes on a shopping spree

A middle-aged British man faced up to the horror of his biennial clothes shopping trip today.

Ian Napton, from Wiltshire, headed for his local branch of Marks and Spencer for a wallet-emptying day of buying safe, unfashionable shirts, jeans, chinos and a new pair of slippers.

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