Groovy Gang, Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots get down to the funky ‘No Deal’ disco beat with their new single, Operation Clawhammer

Theresa’s Toe-tapping funksters have decided they are no longer prepared to dance to the Europop beat. Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots have come up with a new, funky, disco style, “Clawhammer”. The sound of which has been likened to the screaming heard, when you repeatedly smash yourself in the face with a “Clawhammer”. Groupies confirmed this rhythmical, high pitched screaming style has been under development for the last two years.

Viewers demand new judges for next season of Brexit Factor

The British public says it wants to see a new panel of judges for next year’s Brexit Factor, as this year’s have turned out to be monumentally shit at their job.

Disgruntled couch sloth Keith Wavering said: “I voted Europe out at the audition stage because Judge Boris said it was rubbish. I liked Boris for his funny hair, his hilarious gaffes and his utter lack of meta-ethical moral relativism, but now I’m starting to wonder if his dead-eyed monomania and egregious lust for victory at any cost isn’t misleading the audience a little bit.”

Catholic Church’s secret plan to Exorcise Donald Trump

The Catholic Church have incontrovertible proof that Donald Trump has been demonically possessed by  the spirit of Malthus, an ancient chaos demon cast out by God to corrupt souls and wreak havoc.

Vatican investigators identified possession when Donald Trump significantly failed to grasp reality and tried to bend the world to his own understanding, spoke in tongues and displayed an insatiable and depraved lust, this combined with the impending nuclear Armageddon confirmed his demonic possession.

Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids

The Government’s austerity measures mean cash strapped pensioners have turned to drug dealing to supplement their dwindling incomes and to allow them to buy essentials, such as; scones, cake, liniment and Werther’s Originals.

In increasing numbers, The Grey Mafia (AKA The Grafia or The Cosy Nostrum) have moved into the illegal drugs market. Ironically, showing the entrepreneurial spirit,  of which the Conservatives, are so proud.