M&S shares rise sharply as middle-aged man goes on his bi-annual shopping spree

A middle-aged British man faced up to the horror of his biennial clothes shopping trip today.

Ian Napton, from Wiltshire, headed for his local branch of Marks and Spencer for a wallet-emptying day of buying safe, unfashionable shirts, jeans, chinos, a dressing gown and a new pair of slippers.

Continue reading “M&S shares rise sharply as middle-aged man goes on his bi-annual shopping spree”

That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I regret that it is necessary for me to publicly apologise for my behaviour. 

It is with great sadness, I find, that once again it has been discovered that I have been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I would like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/  my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends husbands/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife. Continue reading “That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full”

“Bah! Humbug! Why can’t I sleep?” cries Ebenee May

After a day of parliamentary nightmares, Ebenee May has been plagued by ghoulish visions, rattling chains and things going bump in the night. Experts have been drafted in to help Ebenee sleep at night.

The unearthly spectre of David Cameron disturbs her slumber, showing  her the consequences of Christmas past. She lies awake, besieged by hostile immigrants, street riots and the Windrush generation but, owing to service cuts there’s not a police officer to help. Continue reading ““Bah! Humbug! Why can’t I sleep?” cries Ebenee May”

Farage and Evans quit UKIP after discovering the party is ‘a little bit racist’

Two of UKIP’s leading lights, Nigel Farage and Suzanne Evans, have publicly quit UKIP after finding out the party was ‘a little bit racist’.

Apparently this came as a shock as they understood the party to be a force for enlightenment, inclusivity, change and goodness. They were, both, very disappointed to discover they were, in fact, the bad guys.  Continue reading “Farage and Evans quit UKIP after discovering the party is ‘a little bit racist’”

Top Shop live up to their name with their new catalogue

Top Shop, this week, reveal their revolutionary new lines. Under the guidance of the exciting young designer, Tara Tara, they have revolutionised their range and gambled on significant changes in fashion.

Mayanna Schmidt, Top Shop’s social media liaison and key influencer, said, “Over the last couple of years we’ve seen that nationalism, patriotism, the military and the super-rich privileged elite have become on trend. Our new range reflects these changes in key social values.”  Continue reading “Top Shop live up to their name with their new catalogue”

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