After Chelsea’s 6-0 drubbing some football pundiots ask; What is going wrong with Sarri Ball?

Chelsea’s fag-chomping Italian supremo, Maurizio Sarri, has come in for some tough criticism this week after their 6-0 drubbing away to Man City. The mauling has prompted a number of incisive tactical analysis, which have driven at the heart of where things are going wrong with so-called ‘Sarri ball’.   Continue reading “After Chelsea’s 6-0 drubbing some football pundiots ask; What is going wrong with Sarri Ball?”

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre/workplace) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he? Continue reading “The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre/workplace) in (state/town/city)

BT Broadband Helpline tells Mr Putin to unplug the internet and plug it back in again to see if that fixes it

It’s believed the Russian President, Mr Vladimir Putin, is regretting signing a deliver and supply contract with BT Broadband, for the Internet.

Problems began when the Internet started playing up and stopped showing him; funny videos about cute animals, movies starring big muscly oiled men in tight jeans fixing household appliances or pictures of food and drink. He was also unable to log into his favourite influencer’s account; Sophie from Milton Keynes was doing a special on how to blag luxury hotel rooms by offering free blow jobs. Continue reading “BT Broadband Helpline tells Mr Putin to unplug the internet and plug it back in again to see if that fixes it”

Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times

Jonah Napton has the unenviable record of being Britain’s most redundant man.  In what some are calling “an unbelievable run of bad luck”, Jonah has been let go 7 times. The latest on the last in first out principal.

The first time it happens, you kind of accept it as ‘just one of those things’, the second time feels a bit unfair but when it keeps on happening you start to think, ‘Is it me?” said Jonah. Continue reading “Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times”

Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year

In a surprise announcement, Seaborne Freight has won the award for Outstanding Ferry Company of the Year at this years Cargo Freight Awards.

Director of the Awards Committee, Ian Napton, explained, “There was only one contender. Seaborne were the most punctual and reliable, they never missed a sailing. Additionally they secured a £14 million government contract and the ringing endorsement of a Senior Cabinet Minister. Our customer satisfaction survey showed they were the only company to get no complaints, which is an outstanding achievement.  It’s important to acknowledge the valuable work they have done in raising the profile of the cargo freight industry and we are delighted to recognise the work of this outstanding British company.” Continue reading “Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year”

On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman

It’s St Valentine’s Day and men the length and breadth of the country are making last minute decisions on what they need to buy for the ladies in their lives in order to maximise their chances of having sex tonight.

Ian Napton, a commuter at Paddington Station told us, “Last year, I planned the occasion some weeks in advance, buying chocolates in the January sales at Thornton’s. It all backfired when Gillian pointed out on Valentine’s night that the sell-by date was 20th January and I hadn’t noticed. Needless to say, I felt a chump and got the cold shoulder. This year I have been meticulous in my planning, and I know Aldi doesn’t close until 10pm, so I’ll be able to pick up some Milk Tray on the way home. They might even have some £2 bunches of daffodils left.” Continue reading “On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman”

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