Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto

Due to an unfortunate spelling error, House of Frasier has accidently hired Satan, Lord of Evil, Devourer of Worlds and Harvester of Souls to dish out the Christmas presents to all the little children.

Unfortunately the mistake happened when a dyslexic intern was charged with booking Santa and his little helpers. When the agency returned the contracts, she didn’t realise they’d mis-spelled Santa, and they’d contractually booked Satan.  Continue reading “Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto”

Santa Claus to be banned as he has a negative effect on the health of children

The Department of Health have called for the banning of the popular seasonal character, Santa Claus, as he sets a bad example to children.

Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. Given his diet of neat spirits, cakes, pies, it’s hardly surprising. He gives all of his vegetables to his reindeer. He’s borderline alcoholic, his ruddy red face suggests a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given his weight problems. He clearly has diabetes, and there’s no way his current diet controls his glucose levels.”  Continue reading “Santa Claus to be banned as he has a negative effect on the health of children”

The toughest sporting rivalry is the local derby between Alfreton Town v Farsley Celtic

They say it’s the toughest rivalry in world sport. Whenever they meet, trouble always follows. This week was no different after the two sides were drawn together in the biggest cup match of their respective histories. The game will be remembered for the off-pitch drama rather than the on-pitch spectacle.

One supporter told us what it was like, “Whenever you visit Alfreton Town you know what you’re going to get a hostile reception. When the Farsley Celtic lads were coming off the bus some bloke in a trackie told them to ‘f*ck off’. We were pretty shocked at the kind of language used  I can tell you.Continue reading “The toughest sporting rivalry is the local derby between Alfreton Town v Farsley Celtic”

Become an Ordained Minister of The Church of The Chatty Chimp and get a slot on Newsnight

Here at The Church of The Chatty Chimp we take our ministry seriously. In an effort to meet rising demand for crackpot monkey based religions, we need to increase the number of Primates, preaching the Gospels of Cheetah to the faithless.

No special knowledge or educational background is required, as full training will be given. Those with a fear of heights and an aversion to playing with their own poo need not apply. Continue reading “Become an Ordained Minister of The Church of The Chatty Chimp and get a slot on Newsnight”

Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List

Loud foot stamping could be heard resonating through the Houses of Commons last night, after Father Christmas confirmed he wouldn’t be granting Theresa May anything on her Christmas Brexit wish list.

At twenty nine pages long, Theresa’s wish list appears to be too much work for Santa and it’s looking increasingly likely that Father Christmas will pass over Downing Street altogether. Continue reading “Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List”

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