Here in the monkey house it's all just one big tea party
Derby County Football Club have emerged today as a bastion, perhaps the last, of decency and honour in the murky, cash-guzzling world of professional football.
The club took a brave, some would say heroic, stance against their own club captain, 33-year-old Richard Keogh, after he sustained career-threatening, long-term injuries in a car accident, having gotten absolutely wankered at a booze-heavy team-building event last month.
The Chatty Chimp is delighted to be supporting local charity Compass Community Arts and the projects that they provide in and around Eastbourne.
Our first collaboration will be an exhibition of satirical artwork providing a unique commentary on the biggest issue facing our generation, Brexit.
As the Rugby World Cup ends millions of working-class folk have let out a giant sigh of relief. Following on from the cricket world cup English sports fans have again been forced to fake an interest in posh-boy games.
This has meant mugging up on the rules of rugby.
“It’s all very confusing” said Ian Napton, “One team kicks the ball to the other team, which is considered a good thing, then they kick it back but when your team kicks the ball they are not allowed to chase it. Then both sides stop the kicking and have a bundle, but there are different rules for a stand-up bundle and a lying on the ground bundle. You can’t just join a bundle, players have to queue up first, mental!”
Having been rejected by the British public at seven previous General Elections noted self-publicist, Nigel Farage has decided not to stand in the upcoming vote.
“I looked at it and decided, nah! I won’t bother this time. Of course I’m not worried about being rejected for the eighth time. Anyway, I’ve got more than enough work not to be getting on with, in the European Parliament. Frankly the pay, benefits and lunches are much better in Brussels.” Said Nigel.
Following release from one of Her Majesty’s finest hotels, Tommy Robinson has sent out a world-wide plea for political asylum.
Rejected by the electorate, incarcerated by an unforgiving judiciary and disavowed as a racist shite stirrer by his friends at the Daily Mail all he is looking for is a new start and, ironically, as an economic migrant keen to adapt to their ways, an even bigger income.