In spite of the largely derisive atmosphere surrounding the lanky Spanish forward, Chelsea FC have revealed this week that they not only plan to keep faith with him, but that they have big plans for their all-time record signing.
After his horror miss against Bosnia while on international duty, Sarri was quick to leap to the forwards defence, “Look, it’s not easy to score from four yards, you have to really be able to control your legs. Some strikers can do this, some have other qualities, Alvaro is great, he always tidies up after himself and he’s very polite.” Continue reading “Chelsea have big plans for Morata”
The author of two bestselling self-help books has said his own readers are to blame for a decline in sales of his products as they have been taking some of his stories way too seriously.
Pan-dimensional deity God’s first book, The Old Testament, charts the adventures of an omniscient benefactor who impulsively decides to build a universe in under a week, and then spends the rest of recorded time trying to get the creatures in it to stop fucking things up for themselves. Continue reading “God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales”
Scottish fans were outraged when details of the latest fitba deal were announced. TV Sports giant, Sly, bought the tv rights to all Scottish League and Cup Fitba after a particularly long and heavy session in the Hey Pal pub in Glasgow’s East End.
Fitba fans across the nation feel their fitba has been demeaned and devalued by this cut price deal. Ginger Macreadie said “Aye, I ken we’re shite but we shuld a held oot for tattie scone.” Continue reading “Scottish Fitba sells television rights for 4 pints of Heavy, 3 sausage rolls and packet of Cheese and Onion crisps”
A school in Birkenhead this week has come under fierce scrutiny after Ofsted inspectors, found that the Robbie Fowler Academy had only been formally testing its pupils four, and sometimes as few as three, times per week per subject. Continue reading “Ofsted accuse school of letting children down by trying to teach them something”
The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.
Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practiced scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge. Continue reading “Gwyneth and her company, Gloop, win The Nobel Prize for sciencing”
Sympathy is beginning to mount for the gathering misfortune faced by Mother Theresa May.
As she wanders through the hallowed halls of Westminster, she remains devout in her mission to convert anyone who will listen, to her Brexit bible. Continue reading “Mother Theresa May continues to pray for a miracle as the Devil tests the Brexit Faithful”