The 67.3 million people who are not members of the Conservative Party have announced that “it’s OK, Theresa can continue as Prime Minister, after all.”
“The Tory Beauty Parade has turned out to be quite ugly, hasn’t it?” said Ian Napton, a commuter at Waterloo Station. “When the choice boils down to a bunch of drug users and c****, and all of them make you want to punch them in the face really hard, you suddenly start to see a positive side to Theresa May, don’t you?” Continue reading “As Tory leadership candidates are revealed the country cries “Please stay, Theresa!””
A major diplomatic contre temps has broken out over the disputed territory of Fukall*. Situated in the Atlantic, some 260 miles west of The Western Isles the uninhabitable volcanic rocky island is at the centre of an almighty row about Fukall.
Originally the dispute over Fukall started in 1955, when Britain claimed the territory as their own. This was challenged by Ireland, Denmark and Iceland all of whom felt they had a better claim to Fukall.
Continue reading “Major international row breaks out over Fukall”
In a surprise twist, prospective Tory Leader, Ian Napton has admitted that the candidates are in the ‘making up any old sh*t’ phase of the campaign.
“We’ve reached the stage where everyone has heard everything we have to say, so to keep the publicity band wagon rolling we have to make up evermore outrageous sh*t. We’ve always got to go one better than the last guy, that’s why we are now saying things like; I’ve taken blow, speed, cocaine, heroin, paracetamol and echinacea, one candidate even admitted drinking a G&T on the tube.” Continue reading “Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’”
Thanks to Johanna Konta’s run to the semi-finals of the French Open tennis championships in Paris this week, Britain’s standing in the Ladies’ World Ranking has raced back up to 159th place, just behind Tahiti.
Sue Barker said, “Johanna did amazingly well, losing only to a 19 year old who’d never reached a semi-final before. If she hadn’t done so well, we might have dropped out of the top 200.” Continue reading “British Tennis officially graded as ‘shite again’”
Members of the Conservative Party have set out on the task to decide which Leadership candidate’s drug habit will be most valuable in identifying the right man or woman to become Prime Minister and get us out of the beastly EU.
Michael Gove has admitted to taking cocaine at social events “whilst a young journalist.” Boris Johnson has admitted to “being given coke at a party, but I didn’t take it.” Dominic Raab believes in a “second chance society.” Well he would. He has a cannabis history. Rory Stewart is a cannabis and opium man, too. Continue reading “The Tory leadership race – brought to you by Coke”
An investigation is underway, following an incident of mistaken diagnosis, when a woman was incorrectly treated for a severe allergic reaction.
After undergoing cosmetic surgery on her lips, Gillian Napton found herself being unwittingly bundled into the back of an ambulance, while a potentially life saving injection was administered. Continue reading “Trout pout woman wrongly treated for anaphylactic shock”