After a day of parliamentary nightmares, Ebenee May has been plagued by ghoulish visions, rattling chains and things going bump in the night. Experts have been drafted in to help Ebenee sleep at night.
The unearthly spectre of David Cameron disturbs her slumber, showing her the consequences of Christmas past. She lies awake, besieged by hostile immigrants, street riots and the Windrush generation but, owing to service cuts there’s not a police officer to help. Continue reading ““Bah! Humbug! Why can’t I sleep?” cries Ebenee May”
Two of UKIP’s leading lights, Nigel Farage and Suzanne Evans, have publicly quit UKIP after finding out the party was ‘a little bit racist’.
Apparently this came as a shock as they understood the party to be a force for enlightenment, inclusivity, change and goodness. They were, both, very disappointed to discover they were, in fact, the bad guys. Continue reading “Farage and Evans quit UKIP after discovering the party is ‘a little bit racist’”
Top Shop, this week, reveal their revolutionary new lines. Under the guidance of the exciting young designer, Tara Tara, they have revolutionised their range and gambled on significant changes in fashion.
Mayanna Schmidt, Top Shop’s social media liaison and key influencer, said, “Over the last couple of years we’ve seen that nationalism, patriotism, the military and the super-rich privileged elite have become on trend. Our new range reflects these changes in key social values.” Continue reading “Top Shop live up to their name with their new catalogue”
A new self-help group has been set up to help middle aged men through the trauma of admitting they have outgrown their trousers.
38 & Proud provides a safe haven for those who struggle from Belly Blindness, a disease of the ego which convinces the sufferer that their stomach is the same size as it was at school. Continue reading “Support group helps men transition to 38” waistband”
Due to an unfortunate spelling error, House of Frasier has accidently hired Satan, Lord of Evil, Devourer of Worlds and Harvester of Souls to dish out the Christmas presents to all the little children.
Unfortunately the mistake happened when a dyslexic intern was charged with booking Santa and his little helpers. When the agency returned the contracts, she didn’t realise they’d mis-spelled Santa, and they’d contractually booked Satan. Continue reading “Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto”
The Department of Health have called for the banning of the popular seasonal character, Santa Claus, as he sets a bad example to children.
Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. Given his diet of neat spirits, cakes, pies, it’s hardly surprising. He gives all of his vegetables to his reindeer. He’s borderline alcoholic, his ruddy red face suggests a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given his weight problems. He clearly has diabetes, and there’s no way his current diet controls his glucose levels.” Continue reading “Santa Claus to be banned as he has a negative effect on the health of children”