Hark the herald angels sing, his bloody Auntie’s nicked my gin

A large crash resounded across the UK today, as thousands of mothers’ hopes of a relaxing Christmas were simultaneously shattered.

While circumnavigating the treacheries of festive shopping, coupled with being a working parent, it suddenly dawned on them, that Christmas was in fact a steaming pile of shit.

Continue reading “Hark the herald angels sing, his bloody Auntie’s nicked my gin”

Audiences are unhappy with Theresa May’s performance as the Unprincipled Boy in The Palace of Westminster Xmas Panto

Pantomime season was in full swing at The Palace of  Westminster Theatre as the audience cried out “Nobodies behind you”.

With multiple players vying for election to the role of Unprincipled Boy in the Brexit shit-show, Mother’s Goosed, May gave her best dramatic performance yet. Continue reading “Audiences are unhappy with Theresa May’s performance as the Unprincipled Boy in The Palace of Westminster Xmas Panto”

Lewis Hamilton says he is too good for Stevenage

Controversy abounds in sports broadcasting circles this week after it turned out that Lewis Hamilton was right to condemn his home town of Stevenage, a slum. 

“It’s all very well, said Jamie Carragher, but he should see where I grew up. Everyone thinks of Liverpool with its rows of immaculate terraced houses, just like a scene from Bread but, in reality, four of us lived in the outhouse round the back.”

Continue reading “Lewis Hamilton says he is too good for Stevenage”

PM completes Fallout 76 to find it’s actually Brexit

Prime Minister Theresa May has completed the apocalyptic online gameplay of Fallout 76 on her Xbox One to the shock discovery that it was in fact real-life Britain she was fucking with.

May, 62, made the discovery when things didn’t stop getting worse even though she had wreaked all the destructive chaos in her formidable, spidery arsenal.

Continue reading “PM completes Fallout 76 to find it’s actually Brexit”

Personal EU Membership Subscriptions on offer at €1 per annum

In an unexpected twist, the Brexit negotiations have taken a new direction today.

Without consulting Theresa May, Brussels has announced membership of the EU will become available to individuals after the UK leaves the bloc on 29 March 2019. Modest subscriptions, touted to be €1 per year, will be payable, but nothing so much as you’d want to write it on the side of a bus. Continue reading “Personal EU Membership Subscriptions on offer at €1 per annum”

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