Ancestral history programme reveals Danny Dyer is next in line for the throne, All Hail King Dan

A constitutional crises has erupted following the latest series of “Who the f**k r u?”, the programme investigating the ancestry of celebrities; in search of scandal, title tattle and giving them a chance to act like they care about people they’ve never heard of.

During the latest series it transpired that Danny Dyer was a direct descendent of Edward III. It appears there was confusion about bloodlines during the time of Beseechious the Unfortunately Named and the wrong royal bloodline took over.  Continue reading “Ancestral history programme reveals Danny Dyer is next in line for the throne, All Hail King Dan”

Social services are delighted after hearing that Russell Brand doesn’t bother looking after his children

The Department of Social Services have made a statement about Russell Brand and his child rearing practices. This is in response to the media coverage of an interview Russell gave, where he admitted he doesn’t look after his children.

Gavin Williams, spokesperson for the Department, explained, “We are quite delighted. We were concerned that the children were at real risk of long term psychological damage if left in the care of Mr Brand but now we know he has not been alone with them for more than a couple of hours at a time, we are sure they will be ok.” Continue reading “Social services are delighted after hearing that Russell Brand doesn’t bother looking after his children”

Surprisingly people are actually listening to the yellow snow warnings rather than ogling the TV weather girl

The Met Office has welcomed its favourite time of the year when temperatures plummet, the television weather forecasts are overlaid on some nice photos of sharp blue skies and the viewers pay attention for once at the first mention of snow in the hope of not being able to go to work. Continue reading “Surprisingly people are actually listening to the yellow snow warnings rather than ogling the TV weather girl”

Department of Education’s radical plans for the reintroduction of Capital Punishment cause controversy

The DofE faced a backlash today after plans to make talking during third-period Science a capital offence were leaked to the media.

DofE spokesperson, Ian Napton, defended the plans; “Of course, people are questioning this policy. I think it just needed some clarification. It wouldn’t apply only to third-period lessons and would of course be used in subjects other than Science. We think this will curb the worrying trend of not all children going on to become high-flying business executives.” Continue reading “Department of Education’s radical plans for the reintroduction of Capital Punishment cause controversy”

Daily Express Editor dies after suffering a prolonged orgasm, brought on by the arrival of winter snow in the UK

Ian Napton, an Editor at the Daily Express, passed away after reports came in of significant snowfalls in Northern England, with some significant accumulations even in low lying areas and drifting in more exposed parts.

After years of predicting significant and disruptive snowfalls across the country, the strain of being right, just once, was too much for Mr Napton’s heart to take. Continue reading “Daily Express Editor dies after suffering a prolonged orgasm, brought on by the arrival of winter snow in the UK”

Dad has a mental breakdown when he is unexpectedly left alone with his two-year old

Ian Napton has been admitted to the Priory suffering from an acute, stress-related, illness.

Problems began early on Saturday, as Gillian, his wife, was inconveniently called to a family emergency. With only nine hours sleep, he was unceremoniously thrust both out of his bed and comfort zone, when his two-year old inserted a Cheerio up his left nostril. Continue reading “Dad has a mental breakdown when he is unexpectedly left alone with his two-year old”

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