Tag: America

America asks The Queen to have her back

The Queen

Following a steady decline in the state of the United States, Democrats and Republicans have approached Queen Elizabeth asking her to take America back.

Concerned that America’s become a global laughing stock and appalled at the evermore erratic behaviour of their President, The Yanks want The Queen to run things again. Having watched The Crown on Netflix, Americans feel that Lizzie will bring a bit of decorum, decency and self-respect to the troubled nation. At least Her Majesty won’t be a national embarrassment every time she opens her mouth.

One suggests you read this!

Prince Archie is part of the Royal Family’s long term plan to reclaim the colonies

Reclaim the colonies

The Royal Family have announced the birth of their latest progeny, Prince Archie. The nation rejoiced in welcoming yet another tax payer funded overlord.

As a British Royal, Archie is 7th in the line of succession to The Crown. His American mother also ensures his qualification to become President of the United States of America. Continue reading “Prince Archie is part of the Royal Family’s long term plan to reclaim the colonies”

White Middle-Aged Atheist manages to go a whole day without being a racist di*k

Middle aged white not racist

A Middle-Aged, White, Working-Class, Atheist has managed to navigate his way through a large, ethnically diverse, capital city without succumbing to murdering people he didn’t like.

Daniel Napton (54), from Hastings, spent the day quietly going about his business in London without so much as a thought of acting on racial, misogynistic or homophobic prejudices because, as it turns out, he doesn’t actually have any. Continue reading “White Middle-Aged Atheist manages to go a whole day without being a racist di*k”

Taxpayer stunned to indifference over the new Royal baby

Get that donw your neck

While congratulations have poured in from around the world for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex on the birth of their son, the reaction at home has been low key by comparison.

Ian Napton, a commuter from Eastbourne and taxpayer, said, “This is going to cost the country money inevitably – money I’d rather see spent on making the railways work, the hospitals better funded, or even the potholes repaired in my street. I don’t really care about the Royals, if I’m honest. Princess Kate is quite pretty, I suppose. There’s no way that Hooray Henry of a husband of hers would have pulled her if he hadn’t been able to ask her if she fancied being the Queen.” Continue reading “Taxpayer stunned to indifference over the new Royal baby”

Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’

how to beat your wife

Qatari Sociologist, Basher Al Hardah’s academic treatise ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’ is at the top of the Arab Times best seller list. The handy guide, with its’ simple easy to follow pictures, has proved popular with cowardly, mindless, insecure thugs and the religious.

Basher argues that when applying a beating, it’s important the woman feels the man’s strength and understands his masterfulness. He explains that science has shown this to be the will of God. A half-starved 10th Century goat herder wrote it down, so it must be true.

Continue reading “Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’”

Gays get stoned but not in a good way

Stoned to death

Following on from Facebook’s appointment of Nick Clegg, other despotic personality cults have been looking to employ ex-leaders of the Liberal Democrats.

Their former leader Tim Farron, has resurfaced after laying low for a while. Now unexpectedly employed as the Home Secretary in Brunei, his centrepiece policy decision “Gays to be stoned to death” was unveiled by his new boss, The Sultan, yesterday. Continue reading “Gays get stoned but not in a good way”

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