Tag: Banks

If we’re called something else no one will know we did it, says Bank

Government-funded bank rebrands so everyone forgets all the bad stuff they did

Having received unprecedented amounts of taxpayer funding and failed to make a profit for 10 years and still finished bottom of the Banking Customer Service table the Board have come up with a cunning plan.

You call that treating us fairly?
We’re very sorry, we’re not like that anymore….

TSB to improve customer service by closing their branches

In a radical shift of strategy, the TSB is to improve its customer service by closing their branches.

Recently the troubled bank has beaten off some stiff competition from their rivals in order to produce the worst customer service in banking. Which? commented, “That takes some doing”.

TSB, the bank that likes to say ‘Your on your own, mate!”

Part-Time Coin Tosser out performs Deutsche Bank traders

A part-time, just-for-fun shares trader pissed himself with laughter today as it emerged Deutsche Bank are sacking the professionals they employed to do the same job.

Ian Napton, a complete guesser who grew up in the Surrey Stockbroker Belt, told us, “Shares are either going to go up or down, aren’t they? It’s a fifty/fifty guess. You don’t need an Economics degree to work that out. I toss my lucky coin, heads for up, tails for down, and bet accordingly. I made £22 today.”

The Puppy of Wall Street

Britain’s Black Economy ruined as the UK moves to a cashless economy

Britain’s Black Economy lies in ruins as the UK moves to a cashless economy. With banks shutting branches and closing ATM’s, the cash supply is drying up.

It is the most vulnerable in society who feel the effect most, the;  drug dealers, strippers, thieves, forgers, Del Boys, window cleaners, local councillors, MP’s, football managers, taxi-drivers and builders.  Continue reading “Britain’s Black Economy ruined as the UK moves to a cashless economy”

Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money

Lloyds Bank suffered yet another embarrassing technical glitch, after Ian Napton attempted to draw his own money out of his account.

He requested £80, the transaction appeared to be proceeding as normal when the ATM asked “Are you sure?” He hit, “Yes“.

The machine said, “We’ve seen your statement, you’ll only waste it. Are you sure you want to do that?“. Again, he responded, “Yes”. Continue reading “Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money”