Tag: Boris Johnson

Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat

As it becomes clearer that people are bulk-buying essential items ahead of Brexit and confidence in the supply chain is diminishing, the latest previously undisclosed blow to the nation’s wellbeing has come to light.

Porsche has announced that they want customers to sign a clause in their purchase contracts agreeing to a potential tariff of 10% for cars delivered after Britain leaves the EU. Continue reading “Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat”

Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year

In a surprise announcement, Seaborne Freight has won the award for Outstanding Ferry Company of the Year at this years Cargo Freight Awards.

Director of the Awards Committee, Ian Napton, explained, “There was only one contender. Seaborne were the most punctual and reliable, they never missed a sailing. Additionally they secured a £14 million government contract and the ringing endorsement of a Senior Cabinet Minister. Our customer satisfaction survey showed they were the only company to get no complaints, which is an outstanding achievement.  It’s important to acknowledge the valuable work they have done in raising the profile of the cargo freight industry and we are delighted to recognise the work of this outstanding British company.” Continue reading “Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year”

UK selects The Okey-Cokey as its entry into The Eurovision Song Contest

In one of the more definitive results, in a National Vote, Britain has overwhelmingly chosen The Okey-Cokey as its entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.

Beating off strong competition from such nostalgia pop as; The White Cliffs of Dover Car Park, by Failing Grayling; Rule Britannia by Little Dick and The Johnsons, and F U EU by controversial rappers, The Elite, The Okey-Cokey was the surprise winner of the People’s Vote. Continue reading “UK selects The Okey-Cokey as its entry into The Eurovision Song Contest”

Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.

While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”

The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB

Satan has contacted Donald Tusk to discuss Hell’s capacity to take newly damned souls.

The Infernal One, and the architect of Eternal Damnation, called Mr Tusk; ”Hello, Donald? I’ve got the right one, haven’t I? You’re not the orange one, are you?…Good. Look Don, you don’t get to sub-let sections of hell like it’s your personal Air B&B. It’s my domain and I say who gets to stay and who doesn’t. Capisce?” Continue reading “The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB”

David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands.  Continue reading “David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd