Tag: Boris Johnson

Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC

Ina  radical re-modernisation the upcoming Tory Leadership Contest is to be decided by cage fighting with the winner becoming the ‘Ultimate Fu**ing C**t’.

Standard UFC Rules apply; no hair-pulling, scratching, name calling, although back-stabbing is mandatory. The winner is the last FC standing. Continue reading “Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC”

Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.

While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”

That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I regret that it is necessary for me to publicly apologise for my behaviour. 

It is with great sadness, I find, that once again it has been discovered that I have been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I would like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/  my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends husbands/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife. Continue reading “That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full”

Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’

This week sees the return of the much loved game show, I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

The new season sees a thrilling new format, presaged by a series of preliminary heats which saw 8 Conservatives leave the camp ahead of the live final. Some contestants were clearly unhappy about leaving early, especially as they’re having to get by on a newspaper columnists salary, of £275,000 a year. Continue reading “Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’”

Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’

This week sees the return of the much loved game show, I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

The new season sees a thrilling new format, presaged by a series of preliminary heats which saw 8 Conservatives leave the camp ahead of the live final. Some contestants were clearly unhappy about leaving early, especially as they’re having to get by on a newspaper columnists salary, of £275,000 a year. Continue reading “Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’”

DUP say “Thanks for the money, Theresa, but we’re off now”

Theresa May and Arlene Foster are on the verge of divorcing ahead of this months budget speech. This could spell disaster for Theresa May’s future plans, as without the support of the nice people from Norn Ireland her government doesn’t have a working majority and she may well lose her position.

It’s thought the split has occurred as the DUP have spent the £1 Billion Theresa gave them and without further funding, Arlene doesn’t see any point in running the country any longer.  Continue reading “DUP say “Thanks for the money, Theresa, but we’re off now””

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