Tag: Brexit

Air travellers to have compulsory intelligence tests

Intelligence Test for travellers

Air travellers are to be subjected to compulsory intelligence tests following an increase in passengers unable to understand concepts such as ‘one’ and ‘shut the fuck up’.

Ladies will be asked to choose from a number of pictures showing passengers with different quantities of cabin bags. Only those correctly identifying ‘one’ bag will be allowed to purchase tickets. Continue reading “Air travellers to have compulsory intelligence tests”

Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease

Homeopathy to treat heart disease

It’s Homeopathy! The results are finally in, the science of woo has won the referendum. Following a hard fought, bitter, campaign that saw a lot of strong emotional appeals, Britain has today committed to inalienably altering its attempts to combat heart disease.

The Conservative MP, Lloyd Duncan, explained, “Clearly we, elected members of parliament, were unqualified to decide such a complex matter as the future of heart disease treatment in this country and so, in accordance with modern traditions, we have laid out a range of options before the people in the form of a referendum.” Continue reading “Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease”

Keep Calm and Remain In

Fetherlite Elite

Controversy is surging through the Department of Education today as the vexed subject of sex education raises its head again.

Addressing Britain’s poor record on teenage pregnancies is a priority for the new Education Minister, Dr Ian Napton. “Have you been to Burnley lately and seen the number of young women pushing buggies? It’s unacceptable, and it’s costing the country a fortune in social housing. It’s very easy to control fertility, so we have to educate our young people.
Continue reading “Keep Calm and Remain In”

Britain’s national psychosis manifests as Mark Francois

Mark Francois Homunculus

The enormous cloud of anger, ignorance and intransigence emitted by the people of Britain has taken human form and called itself Mark Francois.

No record can be found of the creature’s existence before the country’s Brexit mania peaked at the beginning of this year, leading experts to believe the homunculus has been conjured up by mass psychosis. Continue reading “Britain’s national psychosis manifests as Mark Francois”

Delay to Brexit allow’s politicians to have their summer holiday in peace

Delay means holiday in Provence
The latest Brexit delay finally produces something our politicians can agree on, six weeks in Provence during the summer is eminently agreeable.
Members of the ERG, moderate Tories, Lib Dems, the Scottish lot and even The Speaker rushed online in the middle of the night to secure their preferred gite and ferry crossings as the Brexit deadline was extended to 31 October. Labour members booked their usual week in Scarborough.

Continue reading “Delay to Brexit allow’s politicians to have their summer holiday in peace”

For Sale; Britain, one careful lady owner and a sh*t one

For Sale, one careless lady owner

Great Britain has been bought on eBay for £10.50, by a Mr D Trump of Orange County, Florider.

The Advert read; For Sale; One country, slightly soiled, leans a bit to the right, dodgy runner. Feels a bit unloved and uncared for. She was an absolute stunner in her day. One careful lady owner for the last 65 years and a shit one for three. Nice retirement project for a handy pensioner who can fix things. Buyer collects. Continue reading “For Sale; Britain, one careful lady owner and a sh*t one”

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