Have you been mis-sold a Brexit? You may have a claim!

Have you spent countless hours in pointless Brexit debates? Did your friends and relatives desert you? How come you managed to enrage complete strangers with, or without provocation? Were you injured or distressed as a result of arguing about something you only had half the facts for? Admit it, you typed messages in BLOCK CAPITALS, didn’t you?

Are your friends as sick of Brexit as you are? Did you vote Brexit and not really expect anything to change? Or, Did you vote remain and spend the last three years toting about an over-inflated sense of educational and moral superiority?

ERG announce they have finally finished their study into Europe

The European Research Group has announced the completion of their 3-year, £250,000 Government funded, study into Europe, all of it.

Project Leader and Chief Scientist, Professor Jacob Rees-Mogg, was suitably delighted at the successful completion of his academic paper. “We are delighted to reveal that after a series of studies, experiments and visits we can confirm that Europe is exactly what we thought it was in the first place. It’s full of Johnnie Foreigners.”

EU delay response to Boris as they disagree on how to tell him to F*ck Off

The EU has delayed the response to Boris Johnson’s proposals for a Withdrawal Agreement, as they cannot agree on the best way to tell him to Fuck Off.

All 27 nations are united in agreeing that his proposals were a publicity stunt in the first place and that he was never serious about coming to an agreement. However, they have become divided as to how to tell him to do one.

Jeremy Corbyn is never the answer

University Challenge rules out ‘Corbyn’ as answer to anything

University Challenge has declared ‘Jeremy Corbyn’ as ineligible as an answer to any legitimate question, arsey host Jeremy Paxman has declared.

“Nothing has stumped us in almost sixty years, but this time we’ve met our match,” Paxman said. “You’d have thought it was easy, what with the country being run by a sock puppet with Dominic ‘Lurch’ Cummings’ hand up his arse. But even the question ‘Is Corbyn better than Johnson?’ proved unanswerable – a bit like deciding which Strictly competitor you hate the most.”

Jo Cox is ‘cool’ with Boris Johnson’s banter, says medium

Murdered Labour MP Jo Cox is fine with Boris Johnson’s claim that the best way to honour her memory would be to “get on and deliver Brexit,” a spiritual medium has said.  

“Granted, Jo was a staunch remainer when she was alive, but the afterlife has changed all that and now there’s nothing she wants more than to see Britain dragged out of the EU by a grotesque egomaniac who thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk,” spiritualist Penelope Hurst said.