Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.
While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”
Satan has contacted Donald Tusk to discuss Hell’s capacity to take newly damned souls.
The Infernal One, and the architect of Eternal Damnation, called Mr Tusk; ”Hello, Donald? I’ve got the right one, haven’t I? You’re not the orange one, are you?…Good. Look Don, you don’t get to sub-let sections of hell like it’s your personal Air B&B. It’s my domain and I say who gets to stay and who doesn’t. Capisce?” Continue reading “The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB”
Whitehall sources have confirmed that plans originally drawn up during the Cold War to evacuate the Royal Family out of London in the event of nuclear attack have been “repurposed” in anticipation of civil unrest after a No Deal Brexit.
Ian Napton, a Whitehall spokesman, said, “We’re all set to smuggle The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh out of town if we need to. Their destination is, of course, top secret.” Continue reading “Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out”
Number 10 has confirmed the Prime Minister chaired a meeting of the Cobra Emergency Committee this morning after reports that a Financial Services worker, unable to commute into London due to snow, ran perilously low on teabags whilst working at home. Continue reading “Emergency COBRA meeting called after a snowbound man was down to his last two tea-bags”
Disquiet about Chris Grayling’s favourite ferry company, Seaborne Freight, continues as they announce plans to hire Somali Pirates.
With real ferry companies recruiting extra staff in order to deal with the Post Brexit freight shipping bonanza, there’s now a significant labour shortage.
Coincidently, faced with a downturn in the pirate trade, following the success of a major Hollywood Movie, The Pirates wanted to utilise their transferable skills and increase income from other sources. Continue reading “Seaborne Freight turns to Somali Pirates for help manning their non-existent fleet”
The renowned technology inventor, James Dyson, has passed away, aged 71.
Dyson, creator of the bagless vacuum cleaner and other gadgets we didn’t know we needed, was Britain’s ninth richest person. He died suddenly today of Galloping Hypocrisy, a condition which, though not uncommon, is rarely so severe that it kills.
Continue reading “RIP – James Dyson, inventor and hypocrite, 1947-2019”