Tag: Brexit

He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy

He is not The Messiah

Scientists, working at the University of Life, have concluded that Nigel Farage is not The Messiah, he’s not even a vary naughty boy!

The confusion arose when Nigel pledged to walk 250 of his people out of oppression and tyranny, to the promised land of London. He’d even laid on a bus.

One noted theologian said, “No, hang on! Isn’t that Moses?”
Continue reading “He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy”

Francis Underwood called in to help Theresa May get her deal through

Francis Underwood

As John Bercow stops Theresa May from bringing her EU Withdrawal Bill back to the House of Commons, drastic action was called for. Step forward super schemer, Francis Underwood.

The Speaker ruled that the bill was not ‘sufficiently different’ from the previous two versions The House had already voted on. Consequently, Parliamentary Rules stop it from coming back to The House, again.
Continue reading “Francis Underwood called in to help Theresa May get her deal through”

PTBD – Psychologists confirm Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder, is a thing

PTBD -Man shouting

Psychologists, working at the School of Life, have confirmed the existence of PTBD, Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder.

Unheard of before 2016, the condition is now thought to be seriously affecting the mental well being of some 60 million people. Psychologists are asking for urgent steps to be taken in order to reduce the mental trauma currently ruining the lives of millions. Although, ironically, they don’t know what those steps are.

Continue reading “PTBD – Psychologists confirm Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder, is a thing”

Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors

Mental Health Self Checking Machine

With mental health issues reaching a record high, the government have introduced a revolutionary ‘self-checkout system’.

Aimed at quelling the mental health crisis, self-checkouts will be trialled at supermarkets, bridges and train stations. Sponsored by Dignitas, each unit encourages sufferers to input their symptoms, then wait for automated feedback. Continue reading “Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors”

Cornish Pasty shortage likely after Brexit

Cornish Pasty shortages

Cornish Pasty stocks are dangerously low. Emergency planning is underway, as it emerges that the country’s supply of proper pasties is in peril, as a result of Brexit.

Speaking in Padstow, Ian Napton from the Steak and Tiddy bakery said, “It’s a joke. Fatty Cameron came down here for his holidays banging on about a referendum on leaving the EU. As a result of his efforts, we supported him. Now there’s going to be a hard border between Cornwall and England. We won’t be able to get pasties out of Cornwall, without sampling at customs. Have you seen a Customs Officer eat? There’ll be nothing left. Nobody will have  Cornish Pasties to sell, dreckly.” Continue reading “Cornish Pasty shortage likely after Brexit”

Shock as Brexit makes buying an Aston Martin more unaffordable for everyday folk

Aston's to become unaffordable to those on benefits

There was outrage and disbelief across the country as Aston Martin revealed the price of their cars would have to rise, following Brexit.

Many of those working on low wages, whose income is topped up by benefits, have seen no increase in payments this year. This means many won’t be able to upgrade to Aston Martin’s latest model. Continue reading “Shock as Brexit makes buying an Aston Martin more unaffordable for everyday folk”

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