Startling world news today, when Donald Trump unexpectedly announced his immediate resignation, as President of The United States. World leaders were surprised and delighted at this sudden burst of good news. All tried to claim credit and confirmed they knew it was going to happen.
President Trump issued a statement explaining the reason for this sudden decision, “I’d just finished my McDonald’s and was having a quiet ten on the toilet, reading my twitter feed, when I saw a tweet, sent by Gav from Eastbourne. It called me a giant orange balloon and said I was doing a crap job. It then suggested I leave quickly and go and play golf.”
Continue reading “Donald Trump unexpectedly resigns after reading an abusive and critical tweet sent by Gav from Eastbourne”
Angry scenes in parliament including backstabbing, intimidation and verbal abuse, resulted in Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee making emergency appearances to restore law and order.
Poppins was aghast, when M.Ps insisted it was just another day at the office. She reported: ‘‘Nobody here is practically perfect in everyway. In fact, Michael Gove measured in as ‘deeply suspicious, with a hint of authoritarian.’’ Continue reading “Emergency Response Nannies called into Parliament to sort out the naughty little children”
Following repeated visits, by Theresa May, to Brussels to try and find some clarification of The Withdrawal Agreement the EU has agreed to try and help.
One EU spokesperson said, “The EU are not going to re-negotiate the agreement. It has been a long torturous process, made all the more difficult by us sticking to all the points we clearly set out as non-negotiable 2 years ago. We are not doing it again. Always Theresa is coming back with, can we change this? can we change that? Well, NO YOU CAN’T.” Continue reading “EU to clarify Theresa’s Withdrawal Agreement by speaking slowly and loudly”
Scientists have picked up mysterious radio signals from across the other side of the galaxy. Using some pretty sophisticated software, cryptographers from The Dan Brown Academy, working with top astrophysicists, have decoded the message.
It reads, “Dear Humanity, we’re sick to the back teeth of Brexit, either leave or stay but stop dragging it out, ffs just get on with it.” Continue reading “Decoded radio signals from across the Galaxy reveal Aliens hidden message, “Brexit, ffs, will you just get on with it””
Satan, host to The Damned and deliverer of The Eternal Punishments has come up with a new, and terrifying, circle of Hell, The Brexitarium.
Hades spokesman, Ian Napton, explained, “Satan has spent the last couple of years watching the British people slowly, and irretrievably, sinking further and further into despair as the endless Brexit debate has gone on. He feels that an eternity of listening to an unresolvable Brexit, would be a fitting torture for the souls of the damned.” Continue reading “The Devil adds an eternal, unresolvable, Brexit to the punishments of Hell”
Chris Grayling, Minister for Transport, seems unfamiliar with what a queue of lorries looks like. In preparation for a No Deal Brexit, his department has arranged for 89 lorries to roll around Kent, to simulate the disruption caused by 12,000 trucks a day being stranded at Dover.
Critics wondered why he hadn’t heard of Operation Stack. This is where Kent Police close 3 Junctions of a motorway, and use an airport called Manston, to stack up lorries when the weather is a bit iffy or the French want a day off. Continue reading “Chris Grayling seems unsure what a queue of lorries looks like. We’ve provided a picture to help.”