Tag: British

Britain to pretend the last three years didn’t happen

Britain is to pretend that the last three years have simply not happened. It’s going to be like Bobby Ewing but without the shower scene. The adults all got together and decided enough was enough and it simply could not go on any longer.

Ian Napton explains, “We had a meeting and thought the whole thing was a complete disaster so the best thing we could do under the circumstances was to pretend it had never happened in the first place. Gillian pointed out that this was very, very British behaviour.”

No, No, I definitely don’t remember anything about Brexit!

Travel company offers a middle-class package tour to the lower-classes

A leading travel company, have launched a ‘unique middle-class pilgrimage package’, in order to assuage ‘uncomfortable feelings of abundance, in the climate of austerity.’

Inspired by Britpop artist Jarvis Cocker, the ‘Common People Excursion’, offers tangible experiences of ‘poverty shopping’, where ‘class tourists’ attempt to buy a week’s groceries for four with £30, learn to pack fifty items per minute in non-tote bags and queue for half an hour to park their SUVs in tiny parking bays.

You could live like this but who would want to?

Gove surprised the EU says Au Revoir mon ami

Michael Gove, the Minister responsible for Brexit No Deal planning, has expressed surprise that the EU27 don’t feel they should give in to British demands and serve up a withdrawal agreement which entirely suits Britain without regard for anybody else.

There might be 27 of them, but do they know who we are? Do they realise who they are dealing with here? We’re plucky Brits. We won the War, you know. We’ve got Boris in Downing Street now and fully 0.14% of the population voted to put him there.”

Ciao, Arrivederci, Adios and Goodbye

BA IT Failure inspires British traveller to build a business

A plucky British would-be entrepreneur believes he is on to something which will see him able to lend Bill Gates a few quid.

Ian Napton, an ordinary bloke, told us, “I was at Gatwick waiting to board a British Airways flight when they announced their computer systems were down and I couldn’t check in. It reminded me of when I couldn’t renew my passport because their systems were down. I thought back to when the world wasn’t dominated by computers and everything worked more or less correctly, allowing for a bit of human incompetence, without the enormous costs associated with all the technology and the IT Support people, who just tell you to switch your machine off and on again. Then it dawned on me. There’s a business to be built around pens and pads.”

Up, Up and Away!