Tag: British

‘Keep the statues’ says the blonde balloon.

Human potato and walking metaphor for everything wrong with Britain today, Boris Johnson (soon to be known exclusively as BJ as part of a jazzy rebrand), has criticised the decision to remove a statue in Oxford dedicated to all-round top geezer Cecil “we are the first race in the world” Rhodes.

Don’t worry, it will be all white in the morning
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Corona Virus outbreak means we can all stop hugging each other

Millions of Brits are secretly relieved that the outbreak of the Corona Virus means they can stop hugging people they barely know.

For the last twenty years the British people have been sharing a series of ever more complex bear hugs. This unnatural invasion of personal space has left millions of people feeling, dirty, confused and exceedingly uncomfortable.

Just a simple doff of the cap is all you need

Britain to pretend the last three years didn’t happen

Britain is to pretend that the last three years have simply not happened. It’s going to be like Bobby Ewing but without the shower scene. The adults all got together and decided enough was enough and it simply could not go on any longer.

Ian Napton explains, “We had a meeting and thought the whole thing was a complete disaster so the best thing we could do under the circumstances was to pretend it had never happened in the first place. Gillian pointed out that this was very, very British behaviour.”

No, No, I definitely don’t remember anything about Brexit!

Travel company offers a middle-class package tour to the lower-classes

A leading travel company, have launched a ‘unique middle-class pilgrimage package’, in order to assuage ‘uncomfortable feelings of abundance, in the climate of austerity.’

Inspired by Britpop artist Jarvis Cocker, the ‘Common People Excursion’, offers tangible experiences of ‘poverty shopping’, where ‘class tourists’ attempt to buy a week’s groceries for four with £30, learn to pack fifty items per minute in non-tote bags and queue for half an hour to park their SUVs in tiny parking bays.

You could live like this but who would want to?