Business magnate and inflatable sports icon Mike Ashley has
today come out with a press conference to unveil his bold new plan to put
Newcastle United FC back where they belong in the wake of the departure of the
heroically over-qualified Rafa Benitez.
Grilled over the decision to let Rafa go, Ashley defended the move; “Do you know how much Benitez cost us each season? Millions! I’ve done my research and looking at the other managers in and around Newcastle, they don’t earn nearly as much. I asked the manager in my local Greggs and he was saying he earns only a fraction of what Rafa was costing us!”
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Jacob Rees-Mogg has been unexpectedly cast as the latest Bond villain.
The producers decided a proper actor was not required, believing a real life ‘baddie’ would be both, scarier and more authenticate to audiences.
Continue reading “Jacob Rees-Mogg to star as the Baddie in the next Bond film”
Fighters at WTF Wrestling have been queuing up at Birmingham Primark in order to hone key combat skills.
Wrestling coaches were amazed at the strength, speed and physical co-ordination shown by bargain hunting Primark shoppers. They also found Primark customers power to weight ratio presented their wrestlers with a “bloody good workout“. Continue reading “WTF Wrestlers work out at Primark”
Toshitone Ltd has been valued, by The City, at £100 billion pounds. Investors are queuing up to give their money to the innovative car company, at its stock market launch.
Having revolutionised the funeral business, with their self driving hearses, and cornered the automated Pizza and Cocaine delivery market, things are on the up for the company. Continue reading “Toshitone Ltd has a stock market value of £100 Billion but hasn’t made a profit in 10 years”
Last week the Department of Transport publicly admitted they’d made a mess of post Brexit freight handling plans. Many were puzzled as to why the breakdown of the freight contract with a ferry company with no boats, should result in the need to pay £33 million to Eurotunnel, a train operator but hey! that’s politics for you.
Just when things couldn’t get any worse for Chris Grayling, Transport Secretary, it’s transpired that following an administrative mix up, the £33 million contract was given to Island of Sodoff Railways rather than Eurotunnel. Continue reading “Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller”
As it becomes clearer that people are bulk-buying essential items ahead of Brexit and confidence in the supply chain is diminishing, the latest previously undisclosed blow to the nation’s wellbeing has come to light.
Porsche has announced that they want customers to sign a clause in their purchase contracts agreeing to a potential tariff of 10% for cars delivered after Britain leaves the EU. Continue reading “Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat”