Tag: Business

Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller

Fat contract added to The Fat Controller

Last week the Department of Transport publicly admitted they’d made a mess of post Brexit freight handling plans. Many were puzzled as to why the breakdown of the freight contract with a ferry company with no boats, should result in the need to pay £33 million to Eurotunnel, a train operator but hey! that’s politics for you.

Just when things couldn’t get any worse for Chris Grayling, Transport Secretary, it’s transpired that following an administrative mix up, the £33 million contract was given to Island of Sodoff Railways rather than Eurotunnel. Continue reading “Chris Grayling accidently awards the £33 million freight handling contract to Thomas the Tank and The Fat Controller”

Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat

As it becomes clearer that people are bulk-buying essential items ahead of Brexit and confidence in the supply chain is diminishing, the latest previously undisclosed blow to the nation’s wellbeing has come to light.

Porsche has announced that they want customers to sign a clause in their purchase contracts agreeing to a potential tariff of 10% for cars delivered after Britain leaves the EU. Continue reading “Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat”

Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times

Jonah Napton has the unenviable record of being Britain’s most redundant man.  In what some are calling “an unbelievable run of bad luck”, Jonah has been let go 7 times. The latest on the last in first out principal.

The first time it happens, you kind of accept it as ‘just one of those things’, the second time feels a bit unfair but when it keeps on happening you start to think, ‘Is it me?” said Jonah. Continue reading “Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times”

Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie

Upmarket tea and cake shop, Patisserie Valerie, has recently fallen into Administration, when some donut realised there was £40 million pounds missing from the bank account.

Chief Inspector Ian Napton, explained, “Although Patisserie Valerie are a British Company, they’ve a French name so we thought it would be a good idea to bring in continental thinking to help us work out who has had their finger in the pie.” Continue reading “Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie”

Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos

The financial world was thrown into turmoil last night, after Gillian Napton accidently  booked The Board of Toshitone Industries into the assisted dying facility, Dignitas, by mistake.

Ms Napton was given the responsibility of booking the high powered executives, from one of the world’s largest companies, onto the World Economic Forum held annually at luxury Swiss Ski Resort of Davos.  Continue reading “Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos”

HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan

HMV’s  administrators have come up with a cunning plan to help save the beleaguered retail chain. With the assistance of the Government, HMV will now be selling gongs, medals, peerages, £14 Million Ferrying contracts and Ministerial access.

Ian Napton, of VR Administrators, explained, “We had the idea when the story broke about the government selling off peerages to try and get Theresa May’s Brexit deal through Parliament.” Continue reading “HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan”

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