Trump to ban cakes made with a Mother’s Love as trade war escalates

Donald Trump is to ban cakes made with love in retaliation for the exclusion of chlorine washed chicken.

The row is undermining the future US-UK trade deal. Regarding the UK as very vulnerable, the American President was hoping to off load any old shite on to the UK market. However, when our politicians balked at trying to sell rotting chicken to British shoppers The Trumpster was furious.

Man City win again

Following Game One, Man City are awarded the Premier League Title

Following their 5-0 win at West Ham on the opening day of the new football season, Manchester City have been crowned 2019/20 Champions.

“There’s no point in calling it a competition,” a spokesman for the FA told us. “We don’t see the point in putting everyone through the charade of another 37 games before presenting the trophy. They can have it now.”

BA IT Failure inspires British traveller to build a business

A plucky British would-be entrepreneur believes he is on to something which will see him able to lend Bill Gates a few quid.

Ian Napton, an ordinary bloke, told us, “I was at Gatwick waiting to board a British Airways flight when they announced their computer systems were down and I couldn’t check in. It reminded me of when I couldn’t renew my passport because their systems were down. I thought back to when the world wasn’t dominated by computers and everything worked more or less correctly, allowing for a bit of human incompetence, without the enormous costs associated with all the technology and the IT Support people, who just tell you to switch your machine off and on again. Then it dawned on me. There’s a business to be built around pens and pads.”

Pounds, you've got to be kidding

Edinburgh Festival acts demand to be paid in pounds to reduce losses

Here at Chatty, there’s nothing we like better than live entertainment, and especially live comedy, so we’re really excited now that the Edinburgh Festival is on. We can look forward to comedians we know and have seen before and plenty of others we haven’t.

Performers have poured blood, sweat, tears and cash into taking their shows to Edinburgh, and all without absolute assurance that sufficient tickets will be sold to recover their outlay. Financially, it’s a risky business.