Back to school

Mums rejoice and teachers despair as the new term begins

The country’s mums raise a glass in cheer as the nation’s children return to school.

Thank Christ for that!” said Gillian Napton, “It’s been torture, 6 weeks of trying to keep the little bastards amused. The only respite was 2 weeks in Torremolinos and that seems ages ago. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any worse, their friends would turn up for a sleep over. Why were my 2 never invited anywhere?”.

Minister furious after discovering schools spending money on pupils

As teachers and students alike enjoy their summer holidays, the Department of Education has announced a new scheme to help lay the foundations for the upcoming school year. Announcing the plans, Mr Duncan Dillon MP for Larnock Road, Kensington.

What we’re seeing far too much of in school’s these days is trying to complete tasks using resources. Going forward, with the budgets as they are, this just isn’t tenable. In today’s Britain schools can’t just expect to be carried along by so-called ‘backing’ from the taxpayers.”

Brabantia counting on her fingers

Hipperatti couple are disappointed that Brabantia’s unique talents weren’t recognised in her SATs

A Highgate headteacher is under fire, for ‘adopting a hard, conventionalist line’, following his decision to ‘label’ a six-year-old pupil, as ‘not expected to reach the minimum standard’, in her year two SATs.

With media controversy already raging over the statutory tests, Mr Targett is alleged to have ‘demoralised a misunderstood and artistic soul.

Munching on a chocolate bar

Me? Have kids? You must be f**king joking

Contention in a Camberwell cafe escalated, when a thirty-something confessed that she had ‘absolutely zero desire’ to propagate the planet.

Speaking passionately amongst shocked peers and their offspring, Olivia Napton disclosed, ‘the only clock ticking in my body, is the one which is synchronised with last orders at the bar.’