Apple Bomb

Apple sparks security alert at Glasgow Airport

A Squeezy Jet flight to Glasgow caused a massive security alert, after an apple was mistaken for a bomb. All flights were grounded, and the airport evacuated, whilst the emergency services dealt with the unidentified fruit.

There has been previous criticism of the airport’s handling of ‘security incidents’. One terrorist, who tried to drive a bomb laden car into the departure lounge, was beaten up by a passenger. “Anyone coming to Glasgow to blow the place up should feel secure in the knowledge that they’re safe to do so.” said an airport spokesperson.

Intelligence Test for travellers

Air travellers to have compulsory intelligence tests

Air travellers are to be subjected to compulsory intelligence tests following an increase in passengers unable to understand concepts such as ‘one’ and ‘shut the fuck up’.

Ladies will be asked to choose from a number of pictures showing passengers with different quantities of cabin bags. Only those correctly identifying ‘one’ bag will be allowed to purchase tickets.

One Bag and Another Bag is not One Bag, Says EasyJet

EasyJet is to introduce basic numeracy training for its passengers to help them count to one. The new measure is launched as research reveals that 100% of the airlines’ passengers in Stanstead’s Departure Lounge cannot distinguish between one cabin bag and two.

On arrival at the bag drop, passengers will be required to study a picture of one carry-on luggage item and say how many bags there are. They have three attempts.

Easyjet have announced ambitious new plans to teach their customers to count to one

Inspired by the success of previous passenger training initiatives such as; Overcoming Your Fear of Flying, How to Behave on a Plane and Jesus Christ You’re Not an Animal, Easyjet have launched their ‘Let’s Count Together’ course.