Tag: Education

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Teacher truancy now at record levels

The Nobel Prize for Sciencing goes to Gwyneth Paltrow for Gloop

The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.

Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practised scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge.

You couldn’t make it up!

Education minister cuts school chair budget ‘Why do we need 1 chair per child?’ asks idiot

In another attempt to revolutionise the education system, the government has come up with bold new proposals that are set to overhaul the classroom experience for many students.

DfE spokesperson, Lord Dracula of Angmering, had this to say; “Essentially what we’ve noticed is that chair budgets are through the roof at many schools. A lot of schools have chairs you can actually sit on, and seem to be allocating one per child, which is completely unfeasible in the current financial climate.”

Right now children, sit down

Minister furious after discovering schools spending money on pupils

As teachers and students alike enjoy their summer holidays, the Department of Education has announced a new scheme to help lay the foundations for the upcoming school year. Announcing the plans, Mr Duncan Dillon MP for Larnock Road, Kensington.

What we’re seeing far too much of in school’s these days is trying to complete tasks using resources. Going forward, with the budgets as they are, this just isn’t tenable. In today’s Britain schools can’t just expect to be carried along by so-called ‘backing’ from the taxpayers.”

Less is more, do more more with less!

Once again A Level results are the best ever

For the fortieth year running, education chiefs have announced that A Level and GCSE exam pass rates have increased yet again.

The A Level pass rate is now up to 94.5689% and the GCSE pass rate sits at 92.456128%.

The annual increase in exam pass rates has become a cause for some controversy as older people fail to understand that every year the intelligence of pupils and ability of teachers increases. Continue reading “Once again A Level results are the best ever”