Education Secretary and human by pure technicality, Gavin Williamson, has today announced that his latest side project, attempting to organise a piss-up in a brewery, has been shelved indefinitely after a series of high-profile clangers resulted in multiple deaths.I only wanted the chaps to have a nice time!
Following the death of George Floyd and the ensuing worldwide anti-racist protests, the Government will make all white supremacist organisations illegal. From Monday, membership of an elite, discriminatory, whites-only organisation will become a criminal offence.Oh bollocks says Boris, what have I done?
A Highgate school has ‘vehemently rejected’, an angry parent’s plea, to allow her child to continue schooling as normal.
Self-proclaimed ‘shakra and vibration guru’, Olivia Napton, claims that as ‘an energy shaman’, she should be considered a ‘key-worker’, therefore allowing her daughter Brabantia-Dragonflower, uninterrupted education.What do you mean I am not providing an essential service!
The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.
DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”Teacher truancy now at record levels
The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.
Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practised scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge.You couldn’t make it up!