Tag: Education

Department of Education’s radical plans for the reintroduction of Capital Punishment cause controversy

The DofE faced a backlash today after plans to make talking during third-period Science a capital offence were leaked to the media.

DofE spokesperson, Ian Napton, defended the plans; “Of course, people are questioning this policy. I think it just needed some clarification. It wouldn’t apply only to third-period lessons and would of course be used in subjects other than Science. We think this will curb the worrying trend of not all children going on to become high-flying business executives.” Continue reading “Department of Education’s radical plans for the reintroduction of Capital Punishment cause controversy”

Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education

Newcastle United owner and Sportsdirect.com behemoth Michael Ashley has announced a new and exciting partnership to the world’s media via the Basingstoke Gazette and a confused Buzzfeed intern.

Michael set out the main aims of the deal; “My company, Sportsdirect.com, is linking with the Department of Education to bring business efficiencies into Education. For too long schools have been characterised by wasteful spending and unrealised earning potentials.” Continue reading “Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education”

School cancels school disco due to outcome specific non-positive performance data

A Surrey school has been forced to cancel their Year Nine school disco after the Senior Leadership Team, looking into the efficacy of the event, made a shocking discovery.

Mary Whittaker, the school’s Head of Dubious Decisions, explained the choice, “We were very careful in approaching this, we analysed all the data from the last eight years and found no correlation between students attending the school disco and eventual outcomes. For the same reason we have cancelled sports day, after-school badminton club, PE and school lunches. There is just no proof that children who eat are guaranteed a grade nine at GCSE French.” Continue reading “School cancels school disco due to outcome specific non-positive performance data”

Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food

A crisis has erupted in East Midlands Schools, after a local councillor suggested the need for a major overhaul of their policy on school lunches.

I really feel” said Councillor Iain Lloyd-Dudley, a woolly minded, Guardian reading Liberal, “that it’s about time we seriously considered offering the children some healthy, nourishing food during the day.” Continue reading “Tory MP proposes letting children fight for lunch time food”

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