Tag: EU

Pound now the world’s worst performing major currency

Day Trader selling the pound

Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world. 

Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”

The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.

Find out more about pobble beads, here!

EU bans the sale of Just For Men hair dye because it’s sexist

Just For Men

The best-selling hair colour brand, used by millions of men has been banned as sexist.

Under EU anti-discrimination rules the hair dye is considered to be insulting and demeaning to those who are not Men, those who aren’t sure if they are Men, Men who want to be Men, Women who want to be Men, Women who want to be Women but look like Men, Women who want their Men to be Men and Women who want their Men to be someone else.

Tu es sérieuse !

Brexit Party storms to victory in the latest round of Statues

Embed from Getty Images

Brexit Party caused up an upset in the adult round of the children’s game of Statues.

Held in Strasbourg, the latest round featured teams from all over Europe. The Germans were heavy favourites to win, although their recent form has been a little shaky.

The plucky Brexit Party signalled their intent when they entered the arena, holding hands. Initially, this seemed to be a demonstration of solidarity, although it turned out that it was to stop several of the squad wandering off in a demented haze.

More on this National Embarrassment

Climate protestor tested positive for Banana and Salted Caramel Milkshake

Milkshake testing

A Conservative MP has been praised for saving dozens of fatcat bankers from a potential milkshaking.

The protestor who burst into the bankers’ dinner party was later found to have minute quantities of ‘a dairy-related substance’ on her hands and clothes, indicating she had recently been in the presence of milkshake, or a similar deadly weapon such as yoghurt.

Do You want some? Do you?

Tory MP Mark Francois revealed to be a Ninja Assassin

Fat Ninja

MP and Toy Soldier Mark Francois has been publicly outed as a secret Ninja. Mark’s alter ego was revealed when he publicly announced that he had signed a death warrant on an Anti-Brexit campaigner.

It’s long been supposed that Mark was no stranger to silently delivering death, having previously admitted peeling potatoes on a Territorial Army camping trip to Wiltshire. What surprised onlookers was that he was so versed in the most covert and feared of the martial arts.

You WANT sOME?

Liam Fox manages to negotiate exactly the same trade deal as we already have

Trade Sec does it again

Liam Fox, Britain’s premiere trade negotiator has announced, without a hint of irony, that he has successfully managed to negotiate a post-Brexit trade deal with South Korea.

Under the terms of the deal, we will maintain exactly the same trading conditions that we had with South Korea under the EU.

The delicate and complex negotiations have taken many hours in front of a photocopier with a bottle of tippex.

More? Surely not!
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