Tag: Finance

Making money is more important than lifesaving, says odious hedge fund manager

The Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) has spoken out against “cheapshot journalism” following accusations that some financial firms have made money during extreme market volatility caused by the Coronavirus outbreak, while ordinary people struggle.

Day Trader selling the pound
Sell stock, then sell it again!

Hedge funds have been accused of raking in billions.

Anyone can look after a sick person but you can make money after a 6 course lunch?

Cabinet Ministers, hedge fund managers and wealthy businessmen launch a £3B Social Aid Fund

Inspired by the Premier League Footballers who have rallied round to help those who have been impacted by the Corona Virus Lockdown, a consortium of city traders, wealthy businessmen and aristocrats have joined together to do the same.

Happy to share it!
Having benefited so well from society it was the least we could do!

If we’re called something else no one will know we did it, says Bank

Government-funded bank rebrands so everyone forgets all the bad stuff they did

Having received unprecedented amounts of taxpayer funding and failed to make a profit for 10 years and still finished bottom of the Banking Customer Service table the Board have come up with a cunning plan.

You call that treating us fairly?
We’re very sorry, we’re not like that anymore….

BJ’s word ban spells joy for makers of correction fluid

Following Boris Johnson’s announcement that oldthink words would now be banned, shares in correction fluid giant, Tittex, have gone through the roof.

Words that are now DoubleVerboten include; Brexit, Implementation Period, Ireland, No Deal, Partnership, No Irish Border, Money for the NHS, selling the NHS to the Americans, Nissan, spending promises, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Ireland again. Any references to these terms must now be ‘rectified’.

Welcomen
I know it’s what I said but it’s not what I meant said Boris!

Bin man distresses middle-class shoppers by sneaking into Waitrose

Ian Napton, a Bin Man from Hastings managed to sneak into his local Waitrose, shocking their regular customers.

Waitrose Spokesman, Neil Jackson, said, “We would like to apologise to all of our customers for the presence of an unskilled manual worker in the store. We understand that some shoppers were disturbed by the experience. We would like to reassure our customers that we have increased security and don’t expect a repetition of this distressing behaviour.”

Trump scandal
He’s not getting in here!
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