Aston Martin

Aston Martin shares plummet faster than the car’s value

James Bond’s car maker of choice, Aston Martin, is facing criticism from City types who are no longer able to afford one of their luxury cars.

25% of the company was floated in London in October 2018 at 1900p per share.

Giles Wilkinson-Giles, a City type, told us, “I was in their Mayfair dealership collecting my DB11 last year and I thought, why not? I’ll buy some shares, too. Unfortunately, the shares have fallen in value faster than the actual car.”

Day Trader selling the pound

Pound now the world’s worst performing major currency

Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world. 

Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”

The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.

Part-Time Coin Tosser out performs Deutsche Bank traders

A part-time, just-for-fun shares trader pissed himself with laughter today as it emerged Deutsche Bank are sacking the professionals they employed to do the same job.

Ian Napton, a complete guesser who grew up in the Surrey Stockbroker Belt, told us, “Shares are either going to go up or down, aren’t they? It’s a fifty/fifty guess. You don’t need an Economics degree to work that out. I toss my lucky coin, heads for up, tails for down, and bet accordingly. I made £22 today.”

Toshitone Ind is rated a buy

Toshitone Ltd has a stock market value of £100 Billion but hasn’t made a profit in 10 years

Toshitone Ltd has been valued, by The City, at £100 billion pounds. Investors are queuing up to give their money to the innovative car company, at its stock market launch. 

Having revolutionised the funeral business, with their self driving hearses, and cornered the automated Pizza and Cocaine delivery market, things are on the up for the company.