Tag: God

The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB

Satan has contacted Donald Tusk to discuss Hell’s capacity to take newly damned souls.

The Infernal One, and the architect of Eternal Damnation, called Mr Tusk; ”Hello, Donald? I’ve got the right one, haven’t I? You’re not the orange one, are you?…Good. Look Don, you don’t get to sub-let sections of hell like it’s your personal Air B&B. It’s my domain and I say who gets to stay and who doesn’t. Capisce?” Continue reading “The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB”

Is the Ghost of Diana working as a motor mechanic? Did she sabotage the Duke’s car?

Reports are emerging that The Duke Of Edinburgh’s recent car crash may not have been an accident, and may not even have been the Old Man’s fault.

An investigation into the Land Rover’s service history has found that the vehicle received attention to its brakes only the day before at Spencer’s of Northamptonshire and that the technician assigned to the work was GOD. Continue reading “Is the Ghost of Diana working as a motor mechanic? Did she sabotage the Duke’s car?”

Whitewash Spokesperson, Sarah Sanders, confirms Donald Trump was appointed by God

Appearing on one of the many God channels on American TV, Whitewash Spokesperson, Sandra Sanders revealed that God had ordained Donald as President. After all it was a miracle he got elected in the first place. 

This revelation came as no surprise to his many followers who believe that God had blessed Donald and given him the right to transgress any man made laws in the interests of furthering the Big G’s philosophies.
Continue reading “Whitewash Spokesperson, Sarah Sanders, confirms Donald Trump was appointed by God”

The World in Stereotypes – Volume 1, the former colony of Florida

Our intrepid travel correspondent, Ian Napton, has sent this report from the former colony of Florida.

Elderly people, rednecks, eating without cutlery, alligators and billboards advertising the services of personal injury lawyers. All on the list of stereotypes about Florida, and I’m pleased to confirm that all of these reputational slurs are entirely deserved.
Continue reading “The World in Stereotypes – Volume 1, the former colony of Florida”

God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales

The author of two bestselling self-help books has said his own readers are to blame for a decline in sales of his products as they have been taking some of his stories way too seriously.

Pan-dimensional deity God’s first book, The Old Testament, charts the adventures of an omniscient benefactor who impulsively decides to build a universe in under a week, and then spends the rest of recorded time trying to get the creatures in it to stop fucking things up for themselves. Continue reading “God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales”

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