French firemen did nothing prayers saved the day

Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God

The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.” 

Stoned to death

Gays get stoned but not in a good way

Following on from Facebook’s appointment of Nick Clegg, other despotic personality cults have been looking to employ ex-leaders of the Liberal Democrats.

Their former leader Tim Farron, has resurfaced after laying low for a while. Now unexpectedly employed as the Home Secretary in Brunei, his centrepiece policy decision “Gays to be stoned to death” was unveiled by his new boss, The Sultan, yesterday.

He is not The Messiah

He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy

Scientists, working at the University of Life, have concluded that Nigel Farage is not The Messiah, he’s not even a vary naughty boy!

The confusion arose when Nigel pledged to walk 250 of his people out of oppression and tyranny, to the promised land of London. He’d even laid on a bus.

One noted theologian said, “No, hang on! Isn’t that Moses?”

The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB

Satan has contacted Donald Tusk to discuss Hell’s capacity to take newly damned souls.

The Infernal One, and the architect of Eternal Damnation, called Mr Tusk; ”Hello, Donald? I’ve got the right one, haven’t I? You’re not the orange one, are you?…Good. Look Don, you don’t get to sub-let sections of hell like it’s your personal Air B&B. It’s my domain and I say who gets to stay and who doesn’t. Capisce?”