Tag: God

Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God

French firemen did nothing prayers saved the day

The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.”  Continue reading “Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God”

Gays get stoned but not in a good way

Stoned to death

Following on from Facebook’s appointment of Nick Clegg, other despotic personality cults have been looking to employ ex-leaders of the Liberal Democrats.

Their former leader Tim Farron, has resurfaced after laying low for a while. Now unexpectedly employed as the Home Secretary in Brunei, his centrepiece policy decision “Gays to be stoned to death” was unveiled by his new boss, The Sultan, yesterday. Continue reading “Gays get stoned but not in a good way”

He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy

He is not The Messiah

Scientists, working at the University of Life, have concluded that Nigel Farage is not The Messiah, he’s not even a vary naughty boy!

The confusion arose when Nigel pledged to walk 250 of his people out of oppression and tyranny, to the promised land of London. He’d even laid on a bus.

One noted theologian said, “No, hang on! Isn’t that Moses?”
Continue reading “He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy”

The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB

Satan has contacted Donald Tusk to discuss Hell’s capacity to take newly damned souls.

The Infernal One, and the architect of Eternal Damnation, called Mr Tusk; ”Hello, Donald? I’ve got the right one, haven’t I? You’re not the orange one, are you?…Good. Look Don, you don’t get to sub-let sections of hell like it’s your personal Air B&B. It’s my domain and I say who gets to stay and who doesn’t. Capisce?” Continue reading “The Devil calls Donald Tusk to discuss Hells over-capacity and to tell him he can’t sub-let rooms, its not an Air BnB”

Is the Ghost of Diana working as a motor mechanic? Did she sabotage the Duke’s car?

Reports are emerging that The Duke Of Edinburgh’s recent car crash may not have been an accident, and may not even have been the Old Man’s fault.

An investigation into the Land Rover’s service history has found that the vehicle received attention to its brakes only the day before at Spencer’s of Northamptonshire and that the technician assigned to the work was GOD. Continue reading “Is the Ghost of Diana working as a motor mechanic? Did she sabotage the Duke’s car?”

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