Tag: Government

Boris confirms all manifesto promises are affordable as Chris Grayling isn't in the Cabinet

The country breathed a collective sigh of relief after discovering that Chris Grayling is not in the cabinet.

As Boris Johnson settles back into life at Downing Street he revealed his new cabinet. There was widespread joy after it was clear that Chris Grayling has not been offered a position within it.

“THE Man’s an idiot and I should know” says Boris

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Teacher truancy now at record levels

Education minister cuts school chair budget ‘Why do we need 1 chair per child?’ asks idiot

In another attempt to revolutionise the education system, the government has come up with bold new proposals that are set to overhaul the classroom experience for many students.

DfE spokesperson, Lord Dracula of Angmering, had this to say; “Essentially what we’ve noticed is that chair budgets are through the roof at many schools. A lot of schools have chairs you can actually sit on, and seem to be allocating one per child, which is completely unfeasible in the current financial climate.”

Right now children, sit down

Police Service to provide more officers for criminals to attack

The Government recently announced an increase of twenty thousand police officers on the streets of England and Wales.

This reverse of policy is surprising as the Tories have presided over police numbers dropping by some 19,000 since they have been in power resulting in a marked increase in the level of violent crime on our streets.

Now then! Now then! Now then!