The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.
DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”
Teacher truancy now at record levels
In another attempt to revolutionise the education system, the government has come up with bold new proposals that are set to overhaul the classroom experience for many students.
DfE spokesperson, Lord Dracula of Angmering, had this to say; “Essentially what we’ve noticed is that chair budgets are through the roof at many schools. A lot of schools have chairs you can actually sit on, and seem to be allocating one per child, which is completely unfeasible in the current financial climate.”
Right now children, sit down
The Government recently announced an increase of twenty thousand police officers on the streets of England and Wales.
This reverse of policy is surprising as the Tories have presided over police numbers dropping by some 19,000 since they have been in power resulting in a marked increase in the level of violent crime on our streets.
Now then! Now then! Now then!
As teachers and students alike enjoy their summer holidays, the Department of Education has announced a new scheme to help lay the foundations for the upcoming school year. Announcing the plans, Mr Duncan Dillon MP for Larnock Road, Kensington.
“What we’re seeing far too much of in school’s these days is trying to complete tasks using resources. Going forward, with the budgets as they are, this just isn’t tenable. In today’s Britain schools can’t just expect to be carried along by so-called ‘backing’ from the taxpayers.”
Less is more, do more more with less!
The government has declared that tomorrow’s, as yet unpublished Brexit Report, is out of date.
The report, signed off by senior civil servants, makes it clear that a No Deal Brexit will be damaging to the UK economy and put lives at risk. Experts from all sides agreed the report was accurate ‘as far as it goes’ but that the reality will be much worse.
Nothing to see here, move along now!