Tag: Health

Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease

Homeopathy to treat heart disease

It’s Homeopathy! The results are finally in, the science of woo has won the referendum. Following a hard fought, bitter, campaign that saw a lot of strong emotional appeals, Britain has today committed to inalienably altering its attempts to combat heart disease.

The Conservative MP, Lloyd Duncan, explained, “Clearly we, elected members of parliament, were unqualified to decide such a complex matter as the future of heart disease treatment in this country and so, in accordance with modern traditions, we have laid out a range of options before the people in the form of a referendum.” Continue reading “Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease”

Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS

Neanderthal Skeleton undergoing an ATOS interview

Neanderthal, Jan Naptonmann, was declared fit for work after ATOS undertook an ‘At Home’ inspection of the 150,000  year old, Welsh resident.

Although, the DWP acknowledge his wide range of health problems, they say they aren’t a barrier to him getting a job. The Inspector feels withdrawing benefits would give Jan the motivation he needs to find employment. Continue reading “Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS”

Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors

Mental Health Self Checking Machine

With mental health issues reaching a record high, the government have introduced a revolutionary ‘self-checkout system’.

Aimed at quelling the mental health crisis, self-checkouts will be trialled at supermarkets, bridges and train stations. Sponsored by Dignitas, each unit encourages sufferers to input their symptoms, then wait for automated feedback. Continue reading “Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors”

A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics

With absolutely no medical or scientific expertise Stephen Hammond, the Health Secretary, has pioneered and new, common sense mental health therapy, which has achieved stunning results, at low cost and in a very short space of time.

With pioneering advancement, the ‘Conservatives Universal Natural Therapy’, leans towards a common sense approach. Patients are told to ‘lighten-up’, ‘look on the bright side’, ‘be positive’ and ‘pull yourself together’. Additionally, all patients are given a free copies of Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life‘ and ‘Suicide is Painless’ the theme tune to M*A*S*H. Continue reading “A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics”

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