Tag: IT

Boris brings in the Mounties to run Track and Trace

Details of the Prime Minister’s Moonshot testing and tracing scheme are beginning to emerge. 

In the expectation of getting a Canadian style Free Trade Agreement, the Prime Minister is going to bring in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (Mounties) to hunt down errant pub-goers who falsify or refuse to give their contact details. 

You know when you’ve been mounted!

AI Programme, Tantrum Extremis v10, takes over Brexit negotiations

In an eleventh-hour attempt to snatch a vanquishment from the jaws of defeat in the EU trade negotiations, the Government is deploying a world-beating Artificially Intelligent trade negotiator called Tantrum Extremis. It is built by Agrada (the Mutant AI who successfully performed as a scapegoat for the A level grading fiasco).

I’ve got this ain in the diodes on my left side

Hancock appoints proven failure, Dido Harding, to take the blame

Matt Hancock, Health Secretary, has appointed Dido Harding to run the reformed Public Health England. It’s now known as National Institue for Health Protection (NIHP).

Having made PHE the scapegoat for Corona Virus cock-ups, Matt Hancock decided to close down the organisation, sack some low-level employees and rehire the management on double the salary.

If only it was made up

The Internet cannot be broken by a post about plastic hooks, says Expert

Experts confirm that the internet cannot be broken by a packet of plastic stick-on hooks, not matter how good the VFM.

Toshitone Industries make the spectacular claim on Facebook. They say that the internet is going so wild for yellow plastic hooks that you can stick on to a flat surface with double-sided sticky tape, that it is broken!

Toshitone INdustries for all your hanging needs

Covid App trial cancelled after designer’s Gran signs up to Tinder by mistake

The trial of the Contact Tracing App was cancelled after the designer’s Gran accidentally signed up to Tinder.

Mabel Napton (68) was very proud that her Grandson, Ian, designed the Government’s Covid-19 contact tracing app. As a show of support, she bought a mobile phone and downloaded the app. The sign-up process was simple, and after entering basic details and posting a picture of herself, she was good to go.  

Whose emissions were like those of horses (Ezekiel 23:20)