Tag: Jacob Rees-Mogg

Keep Calm and Remain In

Fetherlite Elite

Controversy is surging through the Department of Education today as the vexed subject of sex education raises its head again.

Addressing Britain’s poor record on teenage pregnancies is a priority for the new Education Minister, Dr Ian Napton. “Have you been to Burnley lately and seen the number of young women pushing buggies? It’s unacceptable, and it’s costing the country a fortune in social housing. It’s very easy to control fertility, so we have to educate our young people.
Continue reading “Keep Calm and Remain In”

Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.

While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”

Emergency Response Nannies called into Parliament to sort out the naughty little children

Angry scenes in parliament including backstabbing, intimidation and verbal abuse, resulted in Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee making emergency appearances to restore law and order.

Poppins was aghast, when M.Ps insisted it was just another day at the office. She reported: ‘‘Nobody here is practically perfect in everyway. In fact, Michael Gove measured in as ‘deeply suspicious, with a hint of authoritarian.’’ Continue reading “Emergency Response Nannies called into Parliament to sort out the naughty little children”

The Devil adds an eternal, unresolvable, Brexit to the punishments of Hell

Satan, host to The Damned and deliverer of The Eternal Punishments has come up with a new, and terrifying, circle of Hell, The Brexitarium.

Hades spokesman, Ian Napton, explained, “Satan has spent the last couple of years watching the British people slowly, and irretrievably, sinking further and further into despair as the endless Brexit debate has gone on. He feels that an eternity of listening to an unresolvable Brexit, would be a fitting torture for the souls of the damned.” Continue reading “The Devil adds an eternal, unresolvable, Brexit to the punishments of Hell”

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