Tag: Lifestyle

Bin man distresses middle-class shoppers by sneaking into Waitrose

Ian Napton, a Bin Man from Hastings managed to sneak into his local Waitrose, shocking their regular customers.

Waitrose Spokesman, Neil Jackson, said, “We would like to apologise to all of our customers for the presence of an unskilled manual worker in the store. We understand that some shoppers were disturbed by the experience. We would like to reassure our customers that we have increased security and don’t expect a repetition of this distressing behaviour.”

Trump scandal
He’s not getting in here!
Continue reading “Bin man distresses middle-class shoppers by sneaking into Waitrose”

Greggs to produce Gwyneth Paltrow flavoured muffins

Following the success of her Lady Garden scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow has announced a partnership with Greggs the Bakers to produce a range of fragrant muffins.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Muff at Greggs
Dive in boys, there is enough for everyone

The muffins will release a scent based on Ms Paltrow’s unique biology and are described as having a fresh, yeasty flavour.

Nom, Nom, Nom I love the taste of muff

Derby County – A Moral Example to Us All

Derby County Football Club have emerged today as a bastion, perhaps the last, of decency and honour in the murky, cash-guzzling world of professional football.

The club took a brave, some would say heroic, stance against their own club captain, 33-year-old Richard Keogh, after he sustained career-threatening, long-term injuries in a car accident, having gotten absolutely wankered at a booze-heavy team-building event last month.

Bringing shame on Richard’s everywhere!

Homeless Southend man forced to eat in Starbucks

A homeless man was made to eat in Southend branch of Starbucks after a well-wisher forced food on him.

Ian Napton was sitting quietly outside his local Starbucks, cap on the floor and a small dog at his side when a well-meaning member of the public stopped for a chat. After a few moments, the Good Samaritan offered to buy Ian some food.

Please sIR! nO mORE!

“Headlice have rights too” claims Highgate based eco-warrior

Pest control experts have been drafted into a Highgate primary school, following reports of a ‘virulent head lice infestation.’

Parents were forced to take these unusual measures after one couple ‘refused to massacre the innocent creatures’, who had ‘developed a proficient ecosystem’ on their daughter’s head.

Every living thing is sacred!