Derby County Football Club have emerged today as a bastion, perhaps the last, of decency and honour in the murky, cash-guzzling world of professional football.
The club took a brave, some would say heroic, stance against their own club captain, 33-year-old Richard Keogh, after he sustained career-threatening, long-term injuries in a car accident, having gotten absolutely wankered at a booze-heavy team-building event last month.
Bringing shame on Richard’s everywhere!
A homeless man was made to eat in Southend branch of Starbucks after a well-wisher forced food on him.
Ian Napton was sitting quietly outside his local Starbucks,
cap on the floor and a small dog at his side when a well-meaning member of the
public stopped for a chat. After a few moments, the Good Samaritan offered to
buy Ian some food.
Please sIR! nO mORE!
Pest control experts have been drafted into a Highgate primary school, following reports of a ‘virulent head lice infestation.’
Parents were forced to take these unusual measures after one couple ‘refused to massacre the innocent creatures’, who had ‘developed a proficient ecosystem’ on their daughter’s head.
Every living thing is sacred!
A leading travel company, have launched a ‘unique middle-class pilgrimage package’, in order to assuage ‘uncomfortable feelings of abundance, in the climate of austerity.’
Inspired by Britpop artist Jarvis Cocker, the ‘Common People Excursion’, offers tangible experiences of ‘poverty shopping’, where ‘class tourists’ attempt to buy a week’s groceries for four with £30, learn to pack fifty items per minute in non-tote bags and queue for half an hour to park their SUVs in tiny parking bays.
You could live like this but who would want to?
A period of mourning has begun, for a middle-aged, South London woman’s dress sense.
Style experts decreed, that the ‘final loss of fashion pulse’, was recorded at three o’clock GMT, when the victim entered Clarkes shoe shop.
I can’t believe that it has come to this!