A Highgate school has ‘vehemently rejected’, an angry parent’s plea, to allow her child to continue schooling as normal.
Self-proclaimed ‘shakra and vibration guru’, Olivia Napton, claims that as ‘an energy shaman’, she should be considered a ‘key-worker’, therefore allowing her daughter Brabantia-Dragonflower, uninterrupted education.
Colin Jackson, described by those who know him as, ‘absolutely mental’, ‘a complete nutter’, and ‘a right laugh’, has been diagnosed by a leading psychiatrist as, ‘a bit of a prat’.
Professor Fraud explains, “In our clinic, we see many such cases. There is an assumption that strange behaviour in a public makes someone ‘a character’. This is false. Just because people are too nice to say anything doesn’t ever make ‘being a prat’ socially acceptable.
“And the winner of the award for the ‘employee thought most likely to machine gun a roomful of colleagues’ is….. Ian Napton!”
Rapturous applause rings out around the office until Ian is woken abruptly from his lovely dream by the 5.30 alarm.
A slog through the traffic to the station and an hour on the train into London later, Ian hopped on to the tube. “The next station is Westminster. Exit here for Tory skulduggery, Brexit chaos and dodgy expenses claims.”
Ok. The electronic lady on the Tube didn’t really say that, but it’s what Ian heard in his mind every day.
“The next station is Piccadilly Circus. Exit here for overpriced tourist tat, horrendous crowds and a disappointing statue.”
“The next station is Moorgate. Exit here for City fat cats, million pound bonuses and moral vacuums.”
“The next station is Wood Lane. Exit here for Cocaine, Sir David Attenborough and endless reruns fo Only Fools and Horses.”
“The next station is Cheapside. Exit here for a comedy accent, some fire damaged smoke detectors, mild racism and a back street mugging.”