Tag: London

Inside M25 declared a Milkshake free zone for Trump’s visit

Milkshake ban to protect Trump

The Met have declared that whilst Donald Trump is in town, the entire area inside the M25 is to be a Milkshake free zone.

They have confirmed this doesn’t only apply to Strawberry, Chocolate and Vanilla but any flavour of shake. Additionally anyone trying to get around the ban by freezing it and claiming it’s ice cream will be prosecuted. Continue reading “Inside M25 declared a Milkshake free zone for Trump’s visit”

White Middle-Aged Atheist manages to go a whole day without being a racist di*k

Middle aged white not racist

A Middle-Aged, White, Working-Class, Atheist has managed to navigate his way through a large, ethnically diverse, capital city without succumbing to murdering people he didn’t like.

Daniel Napton (54), from Hastings, spent the day quietly going about his business in London without so much as a thought of acting on racial, misogynistic or homophobic prejudices because, as it turns out, he doesn’t actually have any. Continue reading “White Middle-Aged Atheist manages to go a whole day without being a racist di*k”

Protestors protesting about Protest Marches run into counter protest

Protest protestors protesting

Protestors were out in force, in Central London, in protest at the number of protest marches being held in the city.

The campaign started after the latest protest march caused some inconvenience to city folk. Londoners decided they had had enough, and formed their own protest group. Shortly afterwards, they took to the streets, in a largely peaceful protest. Continue reading “Protestors protesting about Protest Marches run into counter protest”

He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy

He is not The Messiah

Scientists, working at the University of Life, have concluded that Nigel Farage is not The Messiah, he’s not even a vary naughty boy!

The confusion arose when Nigel pledged to walk 250 of his people out of oppression and tyranny, to the promised land of London. He’d even laid on a bus.

One noted theologian said, “No, hang on! Isn’t that Moses?”
Continue reading “He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy”

After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’

Borough Market, a little pretentious? Surely not

Indignation spread across the artisan market community, when a crudely worded complaint was propagated on social media.

Tourist Trevor Manley, who can only be described as ‘northern’, felt that his visit to Borough Market was ‘poor value for money.’

Feeling ‘misunderstood and undervalued for their quintessential craft-personship’, stall holders responded bitterly, by suggesting that Manley had not appreciated the market’s ‘exemplary ambience’. Continue reading “After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’”

Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out

Whitehall sources have confirmed that plans originally drawn up during the Cold War to evacuate the Royal Family out of London in the event of nuclear attack have been “repurposed” in anticipation of civil unrest after a No Deal Brexit.

Ian Napton, a Whitehall spokesman, said, “We’re all set to smuggle The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh out of town if we need to. Their destination is, of course, top secret.” Continue reading “Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out”

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