“And the winner of the award for the ‘employee thought most likely to machine gun a roomful of colleagues’ is….. Ian Napton!”
Rapturous applause rings out around the office until Ian is woken abruptly from his lovely dream by the 5.30 alarm.
A slog through the traffic to the station and an hour on the train into London later, Ian hopped on to the tube. “The next station is Westminster. Exit here for Tory skulduggery, Brexit chaos and dodgy expenses claims.”
Ok. The electronic lady on the Tube didn’t really say that, but it’s what Ian heard in his mind every day.
“The next station is Piccadilly Circus. Exit here for overpriced tourist tat, horrendous crowds and a disappointing statue.”
“The next station is Moorgate. Exit here for City fat cats, million pound bonuses and moral vacuums.”
“The next station is Wood Lane. Exit here for Cocaine, Sir David Attenborough and endless reruns fo Only Fools and Horses.”
“The next station is Cheapside. Exit here for a comedy accent, some fire damaged smoke detectors, mild racism and a back street mugging.”
Millions of Brits are secretly relieved that the outbreak of the Corona Virus means they can stop hugging people they barely know.
For the last twenty years the British people have been sharing a series of ever more complex bear hugs. This unnatural invasion of personal space has left millions of people feeling, dirty, confused and exceedingly uncomfortable.
As Britain is beset by another mighty draught Boris Johnson announces plans to install double glazing.
“I was looking for an enormous building project that would allow me to leave my mark on the country, tell everyone in the world that we are serious about doing something and where I’d get to spaff enormous sums of money up the wall, it’s my favourite thing to do.” Said Boris.