Tag: Politics

The Psychotic Gunman of The Year Award goes to …

“And the winner of the award for the ‘employee thought most likely to machine gun a roomful of colleagues’ is….. Ian Napton!”

Rapturous applause rings out around the office until Ian is woken abruptly from his lovely dream by the 5.30 alarm.

A slog through the traffic to the station and an hour on the train into London later, Ian hopped on to the tube. “The next station is Westminster. Exit here for Tory skulduggery, Brexit chaos and dodgy expenses claims.”

Ok. The electronic lady on the Tube didn’t really say that, but it’s what Ian heard in his mind every day.

“The next station is Piccadilly Circus. Exit here for overpriced tourist tat, horrendous crowds and a disappointing statue.”

“The next station is Moorgate. Exit here for City fat cats, million pound bonuses and moral vacuums.”

It’s great being rich!

“The next station is Wood Lane. Exit here for Cocaine, Sir David Attenborough and endless reruns fo Only Fools and Horses.”

“The next station is Cheapside. Exit here for a comedy accent, some fire damaged smoke detectors, mild racism and a back street mugging.”

“The next station is Victoria. Exit here for a look at the home of people that have surpassed everything you could do in your life simply by being born and northerners who can’t the difference between a bus station and a train station.”

The next station is Wembley Park. Exit here for an under-performing national football team, over-priced burgers and Elton John.

Ian had an alternative announcement for every station on the Underground. He wasn’t a great fan of London, or his job and colleagues, as it turned out.

Mentally putting away his automatic rifle Ian Napton enters the office, affixes the stiff upper lip and gets on with a completely pointless day.

Do you feel lucky?

Meanwhile the government continues.

Corona Virus outbreak means we can all stop hugging each other

Millions of Brits are secretly relieved that the outbreak of the Corona Virus means they can stop hugging people they barely know.

For the last twenty years the British people have been sharing a series of ever more complex bear hugs. This unnatural invasion of personal space has left millions of people feeling, dirty, confused and exceedingly uncomfortable.

Just a simple doff of the cap is all you need

Johnson to defeat storms by fitting the UK with double glazing

As Britain is beset by another mighty draught Boris Johnson announces plans to install double glazing.

“I was looking for an enormous building project that would allow me to leave my mark on the country, tell everyone in the world that we are serious about doing something and where I’d get to spaff enormous sums of money up the wall, it’s my favourite thing to do.” Said Boris.

For another half-arsed job call Heath Robinson