In a recent Sky Interview, controversial wackadoodle and politician, Ann Widdecombe looked forward to science finding a cure for gayness. However, in so doing she has alienated Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Continue reading “Jesus Christ has moved to disassociate himself from Ann Widdecombe”
The National Association of Seers, Psychics and Mediums (NASPAM), has asked everyone to be on the lookout for fake psychics. Their ‘I Saw You Coming’ report highlights cases where people in great emotional need have been fleeced by predatory, unregistered, con artists.
If you’re concerned your psychic may not be real, and you want to hand over your money to properly accredited fleecers, you should only use NASPAM registered mediums. Continue reading “National Psychic Association warns of the danger of fake psychics”
St Bastard’s Comprehensive closed when Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion
St Bastard’s Comprehensive in Whitchurch, Shropshire, faced emergency closure today after Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion as a part of their coursework.
Ian Napton, the tutor, found himself being hoisted up on to a cross brought specially into class by two of the stronger boys. “At first, I played along, but when I saw the little bastards had real nails, I screamed ‘Jesus Christ!’ at the top of my voice. Fortunately, Miss Minors, the History teacher in the classroom next door intervened, for which I am eternally grateful, although I could have done without her telling the class that my lessons are fictional while hers are factually proven.”
The class had enlisted the help of their friends in Woodwork to build the cross. “We sit through this shit twice a week,” complained student Jayden Goodchild. “We wanted to see if the stories have any substance to them.”
A spokesman for the Board of Governors played down the incident. “This morning’s incident has been overstated in much the same way that last week’s collaboration between Chemistry and History students seeking to recreate Nazi gas chambers was. St Bastard’s prides itself on bringing history to life.”
Qatari Sociologist, Basher Al Hardah’s academic treatise ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’ is at the top of the Arab Times best seller list. The handy guide, with its’ simple easy to follow pictures, has proved popular with cowardly, mindless, insecure thugs and the religious.
Basher argues that when applying a beating, it’s important the woman feels the man’s strength and understands his masterfulness. He explains that science has shown this to be the will of God. A half-starved 10th Century goat herder wrote it down, so it must be true.
It’s Homeopathy! The results are finally in, the science of woo has won the referendum. Following a hard fought, bitter, campaign that saw a lot of strong emotional appeals, Britain has today committed to inalienably altering its attempts to combat heart disease.
The Conservative MP, Lloyd Duncan, explained, “Clearly we, elected members of parliament, were unqualified to decide such a complex matter as the future of heart disease treatment in this country and so, in accordance with modern traditions, we have laid out a range of options before the people in the form of a referendum.” Continue reading “Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease”
Following on from Facebook’s appointment of Nick Clegg, other despotic personality cults have been looking to employ ex-leaders of the Liberal Democrats.
Their former leader Tim Farron, has resurfaced after laying low for a while. Now unexpectedly employed as the Home Secretary in Brunei, his centrepiece policy decision “Gays to be stoned to death” was unveiled by his new boss, The Sultan, yesterday. Continue reading “Gays get stoned but not in a good way”