Tag: Santa

Mum saves time by throwing the Xmas Food shop into the bin

In a bid to increase efficiency, South London Mum decides to throw the entire Christmas food shop, straight into the bin, plies each of her children with a box of celebrations, then quietly quaffs gin in the kitchen. 

Mum’s go to the Offie

Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto

Due to an unfortunate spelling error, Harrods has accidently hired Satan, Lord of Evil, Devourer of Worlds and Harvester of Souls to dish out the Christmas presents to all the little children and to put the grot into grotto.

Santa
Hey Santa!

Unfortunately the mistake happened when a dyslexic intern was charged with booking Santa and his little helpers. When the agency returned the contracts, she didn’t realise they’d mis-spelled Santa, and they’d contractually booked Satan. 

Pass me a pitchfork, this one needs turning over

Totally PC Christmas Card; guaranteed to take the joy out of Xmas

Today, the PC Brigade unveiled their new range of Christmas Card.

The card was designed to be as respectful as possible to everyone’s personal, religious and political views. Although, inevitably, it’s caused some controversy with Christmas Traditionalists.

Continue reading “Totally PC Christmas Card; guaranteed to take the joy out of Xmas”

Santa Claus banned due to negative health effects on children

The Department of Health have called for Santa Claus to be banned as he sets a bad example to children.

Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. His diet of neat spirits, cakes and pies is very damaging. Annual binge drinking suggests borderline alcoholism. The ruddy red face suggests a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given that he is so overweight. and there is clear evidence of diabetes. With his current diet he is unable to control his glucose levels. One is led to the obvious conclusion that the man is Scottish!” 

Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum!
Continue reading “Santa Claus banned due to negative health effects on children”

Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List

Loud foot stamping could be heard resonating through the Houses of Commons last night, after Father Christmas confirmed he wouldn’t be granting Theresa May anything on her Christmas Brexit wish list.

At twenty nine pages long, Theresa’s wish list appears to be too much work for Santa and it’s looking increasingly likely that Father Christmas will pass over Downing Street altogether. Continue reading “Santa’s end of year review puts Theresa on The Naughty List”